Breaking Free from Family: The Path for Adults with Abusive Parents
Written on
Family can often feel like a cult.
Challenge the traditional notion of family, and you’ll quickly witness the backlash that arises from questioning its deeply ingrained values.
It can surge forth like a powerful wave, overwhelming anyone brave enough to challenge its oppressive norms.
For those fortunate enough to come from nurturing families—rooted in genuine love, respect, and acceptance—the idea of family as a cult seems absurd.
After all, it’s your family; loving them and respecting them feels like the natural order.
But what if that love and respect were never present? In some families, the concepts of love and respect are as elusive as a trip to the Moon.
Individuals raised in toxic environments truly understand this reality.
They have experienced the feeling of being a mere pawn in parental disputes and the burden of being seen as an inconvenience to self-centered parents.
They are often scapegoated for recognizing the dysfunctional dynamics and daring to ask for change.
One day they feel invisible and unwanted, while the next day they are criticized, bullied, and manipulated.
Repeated exposure to such an environment can shatter one’s spirit, leading to a decline in physical health and mental well-being.
Living in a toxic atmosphere can give rise to a variety of mental health issues and autoimmune disorders.
For instance, schizophrenia is sometimes linked to a child’s reality being dismissed. This isn’t about a child’s imaginary friends but a harsh truth.
“Mom, grandpa touched me. He told me not to tell anyone. Please help me; I’m scared.”
“What? No! How could you say that? Your grandpa is a good man; he’d never do anything like that! Don’t ever say such a thing again!”
This is a cruel reality.
When parents deny their child's right to express their truths for any reason, that child’s perception of reality becomes distorted and unstable.
They become trapped in a nightmarish cycle, battling their own perceptions against a hostile environment where support is absent.
This cycle often continues until individuals have had enough and sever ties with their dysfunctional families.
The 5 Most Detrimental Lessons from a Toxic Family and Their Remedies
Meet Zahra, who decided to cut all contact with her family years ago.
Upon making this choice, she faced significant challenges:
- People urging her to move on.
This advice came from friends, co-workers, and even partners, proving to be deeply harmful.
It’s akin to telling a victim to return to their abuser simply because the abuser is labeled as “family.”
We would never suggest that a battered woman reconcile with her abusive husband, would we?
While society has progressed in understanding this issue, the unfortunate reality is that many still encourage victims to remain in toxic relationships out of a misguided sense of loyalty.
“After all, he’s the father of your children; he provides well.”
“You can’t deny the kids their father.”
“He’s going to change, just hang in there.”
The truth is, he isn’t a good man; he is an abuser who will continue to inflict harm.
All individuals experiencing abuse, whether emotional or physical, must distance themselves from their abusers, regardless of their familial ties.
Increasingly, people are recognizing this necessity and opting to leave their toxic families behind.
With growing awareness of psychological issues, open discussions surrounding mental health, and a more compassionate approach to abuse victims, many are beginning to understand that their childhood experiences were far from normal.
So, they choose to cut ties.
However, there is still significant resistance from those who have enjoyed loving, supportive families.
Those who never had to endure daily criticism often pressure victims of toxic families to return to that toxicity “because it’s family.”
No, Karen! Your experience of family differs greatly from theirs; for them, it’s a living nightmare.
But it doesn’t end there.
When Zahra first went no contact, she confided in a close friend who also came from a toxic family.
She was shocked when her friend responded:
“Oh no! You can’t do this! I know they hurt you, but you can’t ever leave! It will cause immense pain for both you and them!”
Wait, what? You understand my struggle yet advocate for me to remain in a toxic environment? Just because you lack the strength to leave, I should endure the abuse too?
Her friend was right about one thing, though.
- The pain is profound on both sides.
Leaving a toxic family often brings greater anguish than leaving a genuinely loving family.
A caring family may even encourage you to seek happiness elsewhere if you feel uncomfortable around them. They want you to thrive, even if it means being apart.
This is the essence of love—it seeks your happiness without expecting anything in return.
Toxic families, however, lack this understanding.
An adult child trying to break free from a toxic environment is like a bird with clipped wings—wounded and unsure of how to soar.
The bonds within a toxic family are so tightly woven that they feel nearly unbreakable.
You might think that escaping toxicity would bring relief, but if you’ve been breathing in toxic fumes for years, your body has acclimatized to that poison.
It’s akin to withdrawing from an addiction.
I recall my own struggle to quit smoking; it was undoubtedly beneficial for my health, yet my body had grown accustomed to the toxic substances in the smoke, making the transition painful.
For months after quitting, I struggled to breathe clean air without discomfort.
The process of detaching from toxic family dynamics is even more grueling.
The overwhelming force that makes you feel suffocated and forces you to cry out in pain is guilt.
The more toxic the family, the more intertwined their lives become. They rely on you, and you are expected to remain dependent on them.
The guilt associated with leaving, especially knowing they are suffering, can be unbearable.
You might feel as if you are their executioner.
If you explore online forums for parents abandoned by their children, you’ll find immense pain mirrored on both sides.
Many individuals return to toxic families because sometimes the burden of guilt feels easier to bear than the toxicity itself. Yet, in the end, both paths can lead to emotional demise.
- Leaving is often essential for survival.
Imagine consuming poison daily while being pressured to enjoy it. This was Zahra’s reality.
Her family scrutinized every aspect of her life, even her laughter.
Initially, she attempted to limit her interactions, agreeing to communicate once a week and visit during holidays.
But even that became overwhelming. Just seeing her mother’s name on her phone made her stomach churn; her body recoiled at her father’s presence.
Her body was instinctively rejecting them.
Eventually, she was diagnosed with lupus, and autoimmune diseases rarely occur alone. Over time, her health continued to decline, worsened by the stress of dealing with her family.
She eventually realized that you can only endure toxic situations for so long. What if she stopped exposing herself to the poison entirely?
And that’s precisely what she did. She made the hardest choice—one no one should have to make—but for some, particularly those who are misunderstood and blamed by others, it is the only option.
Otherwise, they risk losing their lives.
Conclusion:
The choice to completely sever ties with one’s family often follows years of heartache.
It typically stems from endless efforts to mend the relationship, which often proves futile because only one party is willing to engage in the work.
In many cases, it reaches a point where reconciliation is impossible, and some relationships simply aren’t meant to be salvaged.
Those who have made this choice often describe it as the most challenging decision they have ever faced.
However, it becomes their only means of maintaining sanity—a last resort necessary for survival.
They make this choice because the reality is often a matter of life or death, and they choose life.