The Story Behind the Realization

During a heated discussion with my then-husband, he bluntly pointed out, “No one is here to make you happy, Kat. You have to make yourself happy.” At that time, I wasn't a life coach, yet his profound insight struck me as astonishing. Many former partners might resonate with this sentiment, even if said lightheartedly.

The argument revolved around his night shifts. He had an enticing opportunity to work nights for two years, which could lead him to a department of his choice. Though I tried to be supportive, I craved companionship on weekends. Unfortunately, he often lacked the energy to join me before late afternoons. Night shifts can severely disrupt one's natural rhythm, and he dedicated most of his time to recuperating or staying fit. Our only shared activity was dining out on Saturdays, leaving me alone for much of the week, especially living so far from my friends and family in New York City.

It wasn't until after our divorce and my journey toward personal growth that I fully grasped the meaning behind his words. The notion that relationships exist to make us happy is a common misconception. Experts often emphasize that the true purpose of a partnership is for two fulfilled individuals to share their joy. It’s not about dependency for happiness; that’s where many of us falter. Relying on a partner or friend to fulfill our emotional needs often leads to resentment and a cycle of dysfunction.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Dysfunctional relationships arise when one or both partners demand the other to meet their emotional needs. The duration of this cycle depends on how quickly both parties can communicate their needs and establish healthy boundaries. This doesn't imply neglecting each other's feelings; instead, it's about avoiding extremes.

For instance, a partner who demands you to stay in and cater to their insecurities is problematic, just as is one who frequently goes out without regard for your feelings. Balance is crucial.

When you depend on someone to fill your emotional voids, insecurities may surface. Picture someone anxiously awaiting a call, desperate for validation, versus someone who is confident and content in their own company. The latter exemplifies true empowerment and happiness.

Self-Reflection and Growth

If you find yourself relying on others for validation, it's time to engage in some introspection. Ask yourself: “What unresolved issues do I need to confront? How can I nurture my own needs without depending on someone else?”

Finding Fulfillment in Solitude

Despite wishing for my husband to be more present, I discovered joy in my own company. I took up yoga, explored nature, painted pottery, and enjoyed reading at cafes. This newfound independence became precious to me, making it hard to relinquish my personal time even after his night shifts ended.

Through self-help literature and coaching, I recognized that placing my happiness in others' hands meant relinquishing my power. True empowerment lies in being self-reliant, allowing you to engage with others out of desire, not necessity.