Empowering Yourself for a Fulfilling Relationship
Written on
By Steve Horsmon
Hearing numerous accounts about men seeking marriage counseling, I often find they are not very encouraging. This is largely due to many men struggling with the counseling process itself. They tend to adopt a passive role, merely following the counselor's and their partner's lead. They might mistakenly think that their best approach is to simply participate without any personal agenda, aiming to avoid further angering anyone involved.
However, the reality is that relinquishing your leadership role can severely undermine your confidence as a man. A case in point is Brian, who spent months feeling frustrated with his own passive involvement.
Realizing it was time for a shift, Brian decided to take the reins—regardless of the outcome.
Men often reach out to me during similar turning points in their lives, determined to stop tiptoeing around issues and to take decisive action.
A Call for Authenticity and Honesty
Brian expressed his frustration with the repetitive cycle of their counseling sessions, where initial exercises would lead them back to square one. Although he and his wife, Marcy, had been given tools for appreciation and emotional connection, their attempts felt forced and untrue. He recognized that he craved authenticity in their 15-year marriage, something that had been missing.
Determined to lead with openness, Brian was willing to express his true self, even if Marcy was not ready to do the same. I encouraged him to articulate what he would say if he could fully embrace his authenticity.
Brian’s Bold Revelation
Initially hesitant, Brian eventually found his voice. He admitted, "I don’t know what I want because I’ve spent so long trying to please her. I’m beginning to understand my needs, but I fear expressing them. I want love, respect, and intimacy in our marriage!"
When I probed further about his fears, he acknowledged, "Yes, I’m scared to admit my desires." I pointed out the irrationality of fearing a negative reaction from the very person capable of providing what he sought.
Brian became increasingly passionate, declaring, "I’m done being afraid! I want to tell Marcy I’ve loved her from the moment we met. I’ve let her push me into a version of myself I never wanted to be."
He continued with resolve, "I need to respect my own feelings as much as hers. I will not cling to the past but focus on what we can build together moving forward. I deserve a partner who chooses to create love and trust daily."
Looking Ahead
I asked Brian if there was any reason he wouldn’t express this newfound clarity during their next counseling session. He simply replied, "There is none."
Later, after his session, Brian sent me a brief email detailing his experience. He wrote, "It was incredible! I felt truly myself. When the moment came, I spoke authentically, and even the counselor was taken aback."
He reflected on the significance of his honesty, noting, "Marcy asked, ‘Where has that guy been for the last ten years?’ I know what she means, and while it’s painful, I’m committed to staying strong."
A New Beginning
It’s crucial for men to realize that relationships can’t simply be salvaged; they must be rebuilt from this moment onward. Your truth is your strength. Clarity about your desires and expectations will empower you to take responsibility for your actions and values. Showing up authentically—whether in everyday life or in counseling—will enable you to craft the relationships you truly desire.
You can extend an invitation to others to join you on this journey while letting go of any attachment to their choices. In doing so, you’ll discover the power of confidence, clarity, and optimism.
Ultimately, your happiness will not depend on others' decisions. Yes, sadness may arise, but so will joy, and both are essential for an authentic journey.
P.S. This narrative is based on various real client interactions. Names have been changed, and dialogues slightly modified. The insights apply equally if Brian’s wife were to undergo a similar transformation.