Exploring the Complexities of Love Beyond Simple Metrics
Written on
Co-authored by Joe Duncan.
Experiencing love for someone who does not reciprocate can feel like both a dream and a torment—unless, of course, you're a cat enthusiast. Those who have faced this reality can attest to the euphoric yet agonizing nature of longing for someone forever out of reach. Such intense emotions can ensnare us, akin to a horrific event unfolding in slow motion that we find impossible to ignore.
Despite the intensity of these feelings, we often label such experiences as infatuation rather than true love. This theme has been captured in countless songs throughout history. For instance, if we accept the premise that Helen of Sparta was an unwilling captive, Homer's Iliad might be the earliest Western narrative of unreciprocated love. Similarly, Michael Stipe of REM explained to the New York Times that their iconic song Losing My Religion delves into the deep infatuation associated with unreturned affection, portraying a man left speechless by his obsession.
Initially, this emotional rollercoaster might seem exhilarating, but it rarely concludes positively, often resulting in a painful downfall. Such one-sided desires typically occur in the mind of the admirer, with little to no awareness from the object of affection, who may even feel uncomfortable if we reveal the extent of our feelings.
It's understandable that many individuals seek shortcuts to navigate the treacherous waters of romantic relationships, trying to sidestep the pain of unreciprocated love. We are driven to protect ourselves from emotional suffering, particularly the heart-wrenching disappointment of dashed hopes. To mitigate this risk, we often rely on mental shortcuts, or heuristics. Phrases like "love hurts" or the idea of a "high-value" partner are examples of such simplifications.
Wherever fear of emotional pain exists, there emerges a marketplace of self-proclaimed experts eager to illuminate the path through the shadows. Numerous influencers and coaches tout methods for attracting so-called "high-value" partners, often reducing the rich tapestry of human attraction to the distasteful concept of "mate value," which diminishes the profound qualities that evoke the inexplicable feelings of attraction.
In popular discourse, attributes like beauty and agreeableness are often ascribed to women’s "high mate value," while men’s is frequently linked to wealth and status—concepts that are especially prevalent in the Manosphere. Proponents of the Red Pill ideology market courses based on these simplistic heuristics.
The fundamental issue is that heuristics are not reliable. In our quest for efficiency, we sacrifice accuracy. This principle is why we avoid judging a book solely by its cover or making premature assumptions.
The Concept of Mate Value in Scientific Discourse
The notion of "mate value" is rooted in the animal kingdom and is utilized by researchers to analyze mating behaviors in various species. For instance, the peacock spider performs an elaborate dance to attract a mate, illustrating how scientists distinguish effective mating strategies from ineffective ones through observation of sexual traits.
Evolutionary theory posits that animals engage in competition to secure the best possible mates, thereby ensuring the survival of their species by passing on superior genes. The "highest-value" male often stands out due to physical prowess or vibrant features, but how applicable are these concepts to humans?
Since the late 20th century, a wealth of scholarly research has emerged regarding human mate value. The premise is that humans have evolved to recognize desirable traits in potential partners—traits linked to fertility, health, and the ability to provide resources. These attributes are often quantified into measurable traits such as facial symmetry or body ratios.
The Limitations of Metrics
Let's confront the elephant in the room: metrics can be detrimental in the realm of relationships. Numbers do not ignite passion. They lack flexibility. If mathematical formulas were the key to dating success, mathematicians would dominate dating apps. Relying on metrics to gauge relational success strips away the inherently human aspect of love, limiting the exhilarating uncertainty that comes with forming connections.
We should not sanitize love, stripping it of risk and spontaneity, nor should we enter relationships with rigid criteria like "must be tall and handsome" or "needs to be a perfect ten." Love and attraction should not be reduced to a checklist; they should be a serendipitous journey where chance encounters can lead to lasting connections.
The Fallacy of Measurable Traits
One significant issue with using "mate value" metrics is the vast array of unquantifiable factors. For instance, how do we account for individuals brought together by a shared passion for niche music genres or a mutual love for abstract poetry? While we can measure income or education through surveys, the emotional resonance of art and shared experiences often eludes quantification.
Science often categorizes preferences broadly, such as whether one enjoys sports or pop music, neglecting the nuanced specifics that truly matter. Fans of Billie Eilish and Michael Jackson, for example, may not connect over their shared interest in pop music. Similarly, rival fans of sports teams may harbor strong animosities that simplistic categorizations fail to capture.
Extending the "mate value" concept to humans introduces further complications. Many studies rely on self-reported mate value, which is inherently subjective. In these surveys, individuals with higher self-esteem tend to rate their mate value more favorably, which may not reflect others' views.
Research has attempted to validate mate value scales (MVS) through a series of questions requiring participants to rate their desirability and overall attractiveness on a scale. While some studies suggest a correlation between higher mate value and relationship satisfaction, the underlying factor appears to be self-esteem rather than a true measure of mate value.
The Influence of Emotional Dynamics
Pursuing a partner based on conventional mate value traits like attractiveness and status may yield results for casual encounters. However, human interactions are far more complex than merely crossing paths in the wild and responding to pheromones. Generally, before entering a relationship, individuals often know each other for about a year. Contrary to the alarm surrounding "hookup culture," studies show that merely 6% of adolescents report engaging with sexual partners they did not know prior.
The information we gather about others is filtered through our perspectives—our minds can be deceptive, leading us to believe what we wish to believe. This cognitive bias creates a false sense of security around those we find attractive based on status or social standing, even as we overlook the risks involved.
This tendency has led us to falsely believe that we are easily swayed by individuals with charm or social capital. However, due to a psychological phenomenon known as negativity bias, we are more prone to forming negative judgments about others than positive ones. This bias has evolutionary roots, as our ancestors needed to overestimate risks to survive.
The Instability of Feelings
Emotional variability is the Achilles' heel of the "mate value" concept in dating. As social beings, our perceptions of others are shaped by our interactions with them. Eastwick and Hunt conducted studies that illustrated how relational dynamics can shift our views on classic mate value traits like attractiveness and social standing. In their research, college students who became familiar with each other over six months revealed that their perceptions of desirability evolved.
Participants initially disagreed on who was attractive or undesirable, but over time, their views changed as they got to know one another. The notion that individuals of similar mate values are more likely to pair up is overly simplistic, as demonstrated by their findings.
In real-world scenarios where individuals interact and form connections, romantic preferences proved to be fluid. Spending more time with someone allows us to recognize qualities that may have gone unnoticed initially.
The prevailing notion that traits such as beauty, age, and social standing are paramount is reinforced by dating platforms that reduce potential partners to a few images and a brief bio. Relying on superficial judgments about someone's personality and lifestyle is disingenuous and overlooks the depth of human connection.
The drive to decode the essence of an ideal partner stems from profound fears. We dread disappointment, emotional pain, and the wasted time associated with unsuitable partners. Consequently, we latch onto rigid ideals while overlooking the unique qualities we all possess that make us desirable.
In our quest for safety, we shy away from the very essence of love, which may expose us to vulnerability. While love can bring uncertainty, it also holds the potential for hope and wonder.
Thank you for reading. For more insights, subscribe to Renata’s emails here. Joe oversees The Science of Sex on Substack here.