# The Hidden Harm of Punitive Theology in Parenting
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Recently, during my rounds as a hospital chaplain, I was asked to meet with the partner of a terminally ill patient. John, an 81-year-old man barely aware of his surroundings, lay in the bed, while his partner James sat nearby, overwhelmed with grief about the impending loss.
What struck me was James's intense self-blame; he felt guilty, believing he must have done something wrong to cause John’s suffering. In his mind, the only explanation for John's condition was divine punishment directed at him—perhaps for sins he could not even recognize in this life.
As I sought to understand James's mindset, it became evident that his religious background significantly influenced his thoughts. I hold no judgment about his beliefs, but it was clear that he had internalized the idea that suffering signifies divine retribution, leading him to conclude he was at fault.
So, where did James acquire this harmful notion?
The Source of Punitive Beliefs in Christianity
Various theological perspectives exist that appear to validate harsh divine punishment for sin. However, one of the most damaging concepts is the idea that parental abuse can be framed as discipline, justified under the guise of godliness. Children, at a formative age, tend to see God and their parents as synonymous. This fusion imprints on their young minds that suffering is a consequence of wrongdoing, equating pain with discipline.
My own education in parenting was shaped by Christian literature, workshops, and the cultural environment around me. A frequently cited verse among leaders was Proverbs 13:24, which states, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
This verse has often been paraphrased as “spare the rod, spoil the child,” implying that parents should resort to physical punishment. In some conservative circles, this interpretation still leads to justifying beatings as acts of love.
Ultimately, many believe that the most loving thing a parent can do is to discipline their child through spanking or even harsher methods, all in the name of divine will.
Understanding the Biblical Context of the Rod
Have you ever pondered why David, the author of many Psalms, claimed, “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4)? Was he suggesting a sadistic relationship with God?
Believing in the coherence of Scripture, I delved deeper into the meanings behind these words. Shepherds carry both a rod and a staff, each serving a different purpose. The rod primarily acts as a defensive weapon against predators, while the staff, with its hook, guides the sheep away from danger. At no point is punishment involved in this relationship.
This revelation was enlightening, not only for my parenting but also for understanding God’s nature. It became clear that divine punishment is not a matter of smiting for sins.
Parenting Insights for Modern Families
As a mother of four adult children, I admit that my parenting journey has had its ups and downs. While I made mistakes, I also did some things well that may benefit parents facing challenges today.
The first step is to shift our view of our children—to see them as unique individuals deserving of guidance rather than sinners needing punishment. This change in perspective can greatly enhance their development.
Children Are Individuals, Too
Like adults, children possess emotions, aspirations, and dreams. It is crucial for parents to acknowledge these feelings, even when they seem incomprehensible. Often, parents disregard their children’s hopes, especially if they perceive them as naive.
If unresolved childhood traumas cloud our judgment, we might struggle to appreciate our children’s emotions, particularly if we felt neglected in our own youth.
Their Feelings Are Valid
Children's feelings may be immature, but they are genuine. Just as we seek validation for our own emotions, we must do the same for our children, even when those feelings seem trivial. Recognizing their pain allows us to guide them instead of dismissing or punishing them.
Many parents, myself included, have often minimized their children’s feelings due to exhaustion or impatience.
Their Perspectives Matter
Children's beliefs and experiences will differ from ours. They are maturing in a world distinct from ours, so it's essential to listen and understand rather than attempt to mold them into replicas of ourselves.
New parents may feel bewildered when their child expresses a viewpoint that seems foreign. It’s a humbling reminder that, despite being their creators, we don’t own their thoughts.
They Can Teach Us
Listening to my children has opened my eyes to different worldviews. Their fresh perspectives are often unencumbered by the baggage I carry, allowing me to see life through their lens.
While I might expect the world to behave in ways shaped by my past, my children are encountering it anew. Setting aside my assumptions can lead to a beautiful exchange of understanding.
They Are Not Servants
Many parents mistakenly view their children as servants, expecting immediate compliance. It’s vital to remember that children are members of a family, not mere subordinates.
I recall when my children were shocked to learn I disliked chores as much as they did. Recognizing our shared feelings united us as a team facing a common task.
Invest in Your Personal Growth
If you desire your children to mature, you must also focus on your own growth. Often, their behavior will trigger your unresolved issues. Are you ready to lash out when they talk back? Reflect on what that response reveals about your own wounds.
Respect Their Spiritual Questions
If your children question your faith or explore other belief systems, remain calm. Engage in discussions, read their literature, and maintain an open dialogue. Doubts can lead to enlightening conversations for both parties.
Their Actions May Not Be Defiance
Children often express unarticulated feelings through their behavior. They may be exhausted, anxious, or distressed.
It's easy to assume we know everything about our kids because we raised them, but we must remember we are not psychic. Ask questions, listen actively, and practice empathy.
The Lasting Effect on James's Perception of God
Most parents genuinely want the best for their children. However, rigid theological beliefs can sometimes obstruct practical wisdom. Many have not been encouraged to critically examine the implications of their faith or find themselves in echo chambers that stifle alternative perspectives.
Unresolved childhood trauma can significantly influence parental reactions. Instead of guiding their children, some parents may lash out, re-enacting their unresolved issues. Effective parenting demands considerable introspection, a challenge that many shy away from.
For the child, these experiences can translate into a harsh view of God—one that is punitive and perfectionistic, associating suffering with divine retribution.
Reflecting on James, I wonder about his upbringing and the impact of his religious background. It saddens me that he has never known God as a source of comfort or support during crises. Instead, he has devoted immense emotional energy to deciphering the demands of atonement, feeling that Christ's sacrifice was insufficient for his sins.
Final Thoughts
I have often mourned my shortcomings as a parent. Parenting is challenging, and the last thing I want is to layer guilt onto this demanding role.
Nonetheless, I find solace in knowing my children understand that I love them. I have sought their forgiveness for my mistakes, and they have granted it. This reminds me of the verse in 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Indeed.
Judy Hansen is the author of Eight Biblical Women Who Changed the World.
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