Reflecting on Dating Again

Setting aside the physical aspects for a moment, the challenge of dating at my age goes beyond having grown accustomed to being single. Even in my younger days, I was not the type to cling desperately to someone in search of companionship.

I can treat myself to dinner without needing a book to keep me company. I navigate grocery stores while couples discuss their meal plans, and I can enjoy my meals at home alone without shedding tears into my soup—most of the time.

It's not that I'm overly concerned about my adult children disapproving of my dating life; I suspect it would provide them endless amusement. The idea of men trying to decipher their mother's complex dating life? That would be quite the show.

The real question is whether I have the desire to engage in it all again—whether I can muster the motivation.

A Bit of Dating History

Since becoming a widow, I've had five suitors interested in dating me. This number includes one gentleman who preferred a more casual arrangement, which I interpreted as wanting the freedom to explore multiple options.

I often found myself having nightmares about these potential dates—men who might abandon their lattes to rush into traffic or suddenly remember they had important surgeries to attend. Some even claimed to enjoy a challenge, only to find it wasn’t as appealing as they anticipated.

An American cousin once mentioned that in the U.S. dating scene, it's perfectly acceptable to leave a date mid-meal. Apparently, one could excuse themselves, head to the restroom, and then escape through the window. The takeaway? Avoid tight clothing on first dates.

Recently, a friend and I, fueled by Prosecco, decided to try a dating app called Unhinged. Among the eligible singles, one man, who described himself as a “50-something single ready to mingle,” looked nothing like his profile suggested—he was lounging on his bed in a Halloween costume. After twenty minutes of swiping, we abandoned the quest, pondering whether our profile's request for “No psychos, please” was destined to attract a specific type. I curled up on the sofa, uncertain if it was me or the Prosecco causing overthinking.

Five men have expressed a desire to hold my hand and walk beside me, and now you seem to want to do the same.

A Little About Me

I was born in the sixties into a large family and spent my days in local government before transitioning to a creative career.

As a writer, photographer, walker, cyclist, and perfume enthusiast, I thrive on arts and culture, spending hours in galleries and fabric shops.

I contemplated listing my favorite TV shows, films, books, music, and art to present myself as someone who could neatly summarize their cultural preferences, but the list quickly grew to 500 items in each category.

In terms of personality, I’m a curious blend of extroverted introvert. I enjoy engaging with people and understanding their motivations, yet I recharge by spending time alone. This can confuse those who don’t know me well, as my close friends often need to stage interventions when I retreat into solitude for too long.

Physically, I still consider myself an attractive black woman. I’m fit from walking everywhere, although I carry some extra weight due to breast cancer treatments and a long-term diet I finally abandoned. Thankfully, I’m now cancer-free.

I maintain a short hairstyle that suits my round face, having cut off my long hair years ago for practicality.

Thoughts on Him

While I won’t dwell on my late husband, he is an integral part of my story. If my journey through love ends with him as my benchmark, I won't feel disappointed. Perhaps that’s the challenge of dating again—the awareness that he is a tough act to follow.

I don’t expect you to perform chivalrous gestures like holding doors or taking my coat, though those were endearing traits of my husband—an embodiment of good manners. Some may see this as outdated, but I appreciate such courtesies.

My husband cared for me during my illness, attending to my needs with kindness and patience, managing everything from meals to emotional support. He knew how to create a comforting environment, always checking on me.

While I am strong and capable of handling most things independently—like the time he confidently told five burly men we were fine without their help carrying a sofa—I appreciate support when I need it.

On Them

Regardless of my strength, my children are wary of me doing anything they consider foolish. They worry about losing another parent and prefer I avoid risky endeavors.

As a mother and stepmother to four spirited adult children, each uniquely shapes my life. They are essential to my story, and I would choose to spend time with them even if they weren’t family.

If they disapprove of a potential partner, it would certainly give me pause. I trust their instincts about people, as they tend to be good at sniffing out trouble.

On You

The question of whether I am seeing anyone began to arise around five years after my husband's passing. The inquiry seemed less inappropriate over time, though some well-meaning friends suggested I get back into dating right away. I drew the line at searching for love while still grieving.

Thoughts of you often arise only when prompted by the world around me. Occasionally, a romantic comedy makes me ponder the idea of facing life's challenges with a partner. Yet, I’ve come to relish my independence and wonder if I’ve become emotionally selfish.

To have read this far, you must possess a good sense of humor or a morbid curiosity—both of which are favorable traits.

Here are a few things I might wonder about you: - Your favorite traits in people and the last country you visited. - A quote you hold dear and your philosophy on forgiveness. - The song that always gets you dancing and the last time you cried. - Your bravest moment and your experiences with love. - Your relationship with the truth and a cherished book. - Whether you smoke or have ever flown a kite. - Your appetite for life and how you pronounce “scone.” - Your unwinding rituals and your parents' status. - Whether you consider yourself fashionable or have tried illegal substances. - Your personal ambitions and whether you own a dog. - Your outlook on life and preferences for baths or showers. - The best compliment you’ve received and your cooking skills. - Your political views and whether you’d go to bed angry. - Your thoughts on street performers and your go-to fruits. - Your feelings about children and any personal habits you’d like to change. - Your flower preferences and the last time you laughed heartily. - Your shirt size and views on alternative lifestyles. - Your cycling ability and any superstitions you hold. - Your favorite board games and love for open fires. - What you would wish for if granted one wish and your childhood happiness. - Whether you lean toward color or monochrome aesthetics and your breakfast cereal preference. - Your sleeping habits and any memorable pumpkin carvings. - Your ability to speak Italian and the last time you connected with a close friend.

Other than these musings, I rarely think of you.

On Us

With a busy life and more experiences behind me than ahead, my thoughts on dating again are straightforward and sincere. I have no interest in the games of youth, which would only lead me back to solitary pleasures—like late-night jazz, a glass of wine, and a good book.

One of my closest friends summarized my feelings well:

"So, you’re basically saying, Mel, that you don't mind a man spending time and money on you with the occasional dinner or theater date, but you want him to understand that you're not looking for anything long-term and are emotionally unavailable, as you don’t believe you’ll find love twice in your lifetime."

If it must be framed in such a stark manner, so be it.

However, my feelings may not always be this way, as “forever” is often unreliable.

So, yes, this is what I can offer you: the realization that I may not be the right person for someone seeking a serious relationship at this stage of life.

Until I am ready to embrace dating again without the urge to escape through a bathroom window, I remain,

Yours sincerely.