By Pieter Van Winkle

The journey toward spiritual growth often begins with a significant authenticity crisis.

This crisis has roots that can be traced back to our childhood. As kids, we often exchange our true selves—our outbursts, spontaneity, and emotions—for parental approval. Over time, we may unconsciously choose to suppress our intense feelings and vibrant expressions, fearing that we might overwhelm those who care for us. This suppression leads us to stifle our genuine, untamed humanity, a necessary adaptation for our survival as children.

As we grow, this early compromise becomes a lasting agreement, first with our parents and later with peers, coworkers, and family members. The ongoing sacrifice of our authenticity for external validation can lead to increased frustration and sadness. We may not always understand the source of our discontent, but it persists, manifesting in various struggles, particularly among men—such as anger issues, addiction, and infidelity.

Despite our efforts to find relief, we often feel stuck in this cycle. What’s really happening?

A Personal Revelation

My own realization hit while driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

I was returning to New York City after a promising job interview in Philadelphia—a role that aligned more with my father's aspirations than my own desires. At that point, I had conformed to a life that my dad envisioned for me, lacking authenticity.

I vividly recall that moment on the highway, tears streaming down my face as I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone.

“I have to accept the job,” I insisted. “It’s essential.”

“You don’t have to,” she replied gently.

Her words resonated, breaking through my facade. I realized I no longer needed to chase expectations that weren't mine. I declined the job, which led to a host of new challenges.

Our Moment for Change

A common desire emerges: the wish to express our emotions freely and pursue our true aspirations. We long for lives that, while appearing successful externally, feel hollow within. It's time for us to reclaim our authenticity.

However, this desire can spiral into a crisis. We declare we won’t suppress our emotions anymore, that we’re done with toxic treatment, or that we will finally leave our jobs to pursue our passions. We’ve reached our limit and are weary of compromise.

But when we finally act—venting our frustrations, asserting our truths, resigning from our positions—the results may not align with our expectations. We might lash out, jeopardize relationships, or realize we haven’t planned how to sustain ourselves while pursuing our dreams.

In our disillusionment, we may conclude that authenticity is ineffective. We might dismiss self-help philosophies as unrealistic fantasies, forgetting that our childhood taught us to suppress our true selves.

We resign ourselves to a world that seems to deny us the freedom to be who we want.

Misinterpreting Authenticity

This is a common misstep. Our struggles arise from a natural desire to become individuals and mature adults. Unfortunately, there are few mentors who have successfully navigated this journey to guide us.

The narratives we consume—through films, social media, and even self-help literature—often suggest that the key to fulfillment lies in expressing our innermost desires. Yet, this portrayal is incomplete. What if the voice we’re amplifying is that of a child, unprepared to articulate complex emotions or desires? What if that voice is still trapped in its youthful innocence?

Movies do not depict true authenticity; they present a fantasy. They entice us with the notion that we can resolve our struggles instantly, promising relief from anxiety and despair. While appealing, this approach is misguided.

Understanding the Desire for Authenticity

Longing for vitality and genuine expression is commendable, but believing that we can achieve it merely by unleashing our primal urges is naive. Moreover, interpreting our setbacks—like relationship breakdowns or personal crises—as personal failures is misplaced.

A Balanced Approach

In navigating life—especially in business—the solution is rarely one extreme or the other. The path forward requires a delicate balance. We cannot simply unleash our frustrations, nor can we suppress them entirely. Most of us oscillate between these two extremes.

Instead, we can learn to pause, breathe, and listen to the various voices within us. We’ll discern what each voice desires and make informed choices based on a comprehensive understanding of our emotions.

This approach does not promise instant rewards, nor does it endorse reckless abandon. Rather, it encourages us to acknowledge the diverse voices within ourselves as part of a larger dialogue.

This represents true maturity: expanding our capacity to hold various desires and perspectives, especially within our own minds.

The Importance of Maturation

Genuine fulfillment and a life well-lived hinge on true growth and maturation. We must confront the reality that we may not be as evolved as we believe. If this resonates with you, great; if not, this might not be the right message for you.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” — Socrates

When we learn to articulate our feelings and desires in a thoughtful, timely manner, we become genuinely authentic. By tempering our emotional responses—regardless of their nature—we cultivate trustworthiness, not just from others but from ourselves, maintaining our integrity.

We find alignment within ourselves.

The journey to authenticity is arduous and often involves navigating through many challenges: first, suppressing ourselves for survival, then conforming for social acceptance, and finally, fluctuating between self-suppression and self-destruction until we begin the painstaking work of true self-expression. It’s no wonder that true authenticity is a rarity; many never progress beyond the second stage.

Maturing the Ego

The reward for undertaking the path of authenticity is embracing our true life. Our purpose is not to evade pain but to learn to create meaningful and fulfilling outcomes—both for ourselves and for those around us. It is about crafting experiences that evoke pride and reconnect us with the essence of our being that we thought we had lost long ago.