Understanding and Overcoming Clinginess in Relationships
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People inherently seek connections with others. Our social circles provide us with strength, and anyone who suggests otherwise is likely misguided. We depend on one another for physical care, emotional support, accountability, knowledge, creativity, companionship, and more. Those who master the art of collaboration and connection tend to achieve greater success in life.
However, some individuals may find themselves excessively reliant on others for validation, approval, or attention. This can manifest as an unquenchable desire, a troubling anxiety, or a persistent discomfort in one’s heart.
In the presence of certain individuals, we may feel an increasing need for their validation. Our energy becomes focused on them, leading to anxiety and reactivity. We might worry about offending them and second-guess our words. Observing their interactions with others can trigger feelings of resentment and fear. We often idealize them, daydreaming about their admirable qualities.
What is happening within us?
Attachment: The Emotional Connection
The psychological phenomenon of our need for others is known as attachment.
Attachment functions like an invisible emotional cord, binding two individuals together. The more positive experiences shared, the stronger this bond becomes.
Building attachment takes time and significantly alters our interactions. When we form an attachment, we become deeply invested in the other person’s well-being, striving to ensure their happiness and health. Their views matter greatly, and their disapproval can be painful. Their personal growth becomes intertwined with our own, which is crucial for human survival and flourishing.
This bond can feel as essential as a limb, making the loss of an attachment figure profoundly painful. The absence of that person, whether for a short time or permanently, can feel akin to losing a part of ourselves. We may experience lingering emotional pain long after they are gone.
It's not just physical absence that can hurt; emotional detachment is equally damaging. When someone is present and emotionally engaged, our attachment flourishes. Conversely, when they become distracted, indifferent, or hostile, we experience a rupture in that bond. This can lead to fears of abandonment and feelings of inadequacy, which can adversely affect our future relationships.
Anxious Attachment: The Source of Clinginess
Attachments vary in quality. In our early years, our primary attachment is often to our mother. If she is consistently present, calm, and attentive, we develop a secure attachment. This secure foundation allows us to create fulfilling connections with others as we grow.
However, inconsistency in a mother’s presence and emotional availability can lead to many ruptures in attachment, causing feelings of fear and shame. While many mothers strive to be loving and supportive, external pressures such as abusive partners, stress, mental health issues, or addiction can interfere.
Even with good intentions, a mother’s ability to nurture can fluctuate, leaving the child confused about the unpredictability of her love. This can foster an anxious attachment, where affection feels intermittent and uncertain, much like a slot machine offering sporadic rewards.
Understanding and Coping with Anxious Attachment
Children with anxious attachment carry this style of relating into their future relationships, often grappling with two significant core wounds:
- Chronic Shame: Individuals with anxious attachment may develop a sense of inferiority, feeling fundamentally flawed and unworthy.
- Abandonment Trauma: This feeling of inadequacy breeds hyper-vigilance and fear of abandonment, rooted in the unresolved trauma from childhood.
Due to their past experiences, those with anxious attachment are often terrified of solitude. The intermittent reinforcement they received makes it challenging to feel secure in relationships. They may obsessively track their partner’s actions and strive for perfection to avoid any perceived missteps, projecting their fears onto someone who may not share the same perspective.
This cycle is exhausting and harmful. Increased clinginess often drives partners away, creating a vicious loop of shame and anxiety. To break free from this pattern, confronting the underlying issues is essential, including facing the loneliness and addressing the shame tied to feelings of inferiority.
Confronting Loneliness: Embracing Solitude
Anxiously attached individuals fear being alone, even if it is just emotional abandonment. They seek to maintain close physical proximity to their attachment figure, striving to behave perfectly to elicit affection and attention.
A powerful method to confront fear is to envision the worst-case scenario and face it directly.
For someone with anxious attachment, imagining that their beloved partner despises them and will abandon them can be terrifying. However, what would truly happen if that fear came to fruition? Would they be irrevocably damaged? Would the world reject them?
In reality, being left alone can feel catastrophic, yet it often does not lead to such dire outcomes.
The first step in overcoming this fear is to spend time in isolation, confronting the ensuing panic. This could involve a long walk, a day without contact, or even traveling alone.
Starting with manageable challenges is crucial; perhaps attending a movie solo or exploring a new area can ease the transition into solitude.
As you practice isolation, limit contact with your attachment figure and disconnect from your phone. Engage with the feelings of solitude without distractions. This requires courage, but facing this discomfort can transform anxiety into a sense of inner peace.
Overcoming Shame: Breaking Free from Clinginess
Clingy behaviors can be all-consuming, often obscuring the root causes of anxiety.
Shame arises when we feel we do not meet the standards we deem important. If attachment figures express disappointment in our actions, guilt may surface. However, outright rejection based on our inherent worth can lead to deep-seated shame.
Shame can stem from others’ judgments or arbitrary societal standards. For instance, if you aspire to be fit, gaining weight may trigger feelings of shame, or encountering someone fitter may evoke insecurity. Ultimately, it serves as a reminder of perceived inadequacy.
Those with anxious attachment carry a constant sense of not being enough, leading them to engage in people-pleasing behaviors to prove their worth. They often elevate others to feel secure in relationships with those they perceive as superior.
To overcome anxious attachment, it is vital to recognize and address people-pleasing tendencies and allow yourself to experience shame fully. Initially, this may be overwhelming, but facing this emotion is essential for healing.
Shame often emerges during solitude, as feelings of unworthiness become magnified. If you resist or dwell on these feelings, they can intensify. By sitting with shame without reacting, it can gradually dissipate.
When shame feels insurmountable, sharing your feelings with someone trustworthy—like a therapist or close friend—can be beneficial. Authentic expression of shame allows for healing through connection. Remember, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Facing your shame without distractions is fundamental to healing anxious attachment. This process is challenging but rewarding, leading to personal transformation. Emerging from this journey equips you with the choice to embrace solitude and diminishes the tendency to compare yourself to others. You will cultivate a sense of calm, confidence, and contentment.
From this place of self-assurance, you can develop genuine relationships grounded in mutual respect, rather than a hierarchy rooted in neediness. This shift is essential for nurturing secure attachments in your life.