Setting the scene: On my former writing platform, WordPress, a trend emerged where users crafted stories disguised as “awards,” tagging fellow bloggers to partake in this peculiar ritual, akin to the “chain letters” of the past. While I often sidestepped these invitations—despite the honor—because the prompts rarely inspired me, occasionally, something piqued my interest. This is one such occasion (be ready for some outdated references). Let’s dive in…

My friend and fellow writer, Margo, has tagged me for yet another blogging award, which—

Hold on! Before you dash for the exit, panic-stricken and prepared to elbow anyone in your path, take a breath. Yes, this is one of those blogger events where you’re expected to pass the baton to others, but I’m choosing to twist the narrative and focus solely on myself. All you need to do is scroll through my latest musings, perhaps drop a couple of comments that validate my existence, and then sprint off to persuade 400 of your nearest and dearest to follow my blog. (That last bit is courtesy of the optimistic section of my brain, affectionately dubbed the Pollyanna Lobe.)

First off, I’d never encountered the “Room 101 Award” until now, but I’m certain it comes with a prestigious reputation. I actually appreciate one of its core ideas: you get to banish individuals for their poor behavior. Fantastic! (The guidelines specify that you can only send away five types of people, but that's too restrictive. I’ll be broadening that scope.)

Now, a bit of potentially tedious context: “Banished to Room 101” refers to a concept from George Orwell’s dystopian novel “1984,” released in 1949. (I’ll refrain from pointing out the modern-day events that would render the term “dystopian novel” more applicable as “documentary,” especially in light of Orwell’s foresight. However, I can’t resist mentioning that allowing willfully ignorant people to hold positions of power is never wise.)

See? It’s all about me.

Returning to the narrative. In Orwell’s work, individuals who misbehaved (at least according to the government’s standards) were sent to Room 101 to contemplate their misdeeds or confront their deepest fears. It was an extreme timeout, a scenario that wouldn’t inspire Judy Collins to sing about seeing clouds from both sides now. Still, in the context of this blogger award, the chance to banish those who irritate me feels as delightful as breakfast ice cream. Let’s begin…

Individuals Who Should Be Sent to Room 101

1. Shoppers at grocery stores who take a package off the shelf, consume its contents, and toss the leftovers into their cart without paying. This means the next person who unwittingly grabs your cart of negligence must deal with the consequences of your actions.

2. Grocery store clerks who gather shopping carts abandoned in the parking lot. Couldn’t you spare a moment to tidy up after the previous cart owner? Just toss whatever it is in the trash before shoving the violated cart back into the lineup.

3. Cashiers who don’t even muster a grunt during checkout, merely handing over a receipt and glaring if you don’t flee immediately. Listen, I’ve held your position before. When I did, I treated customers kindly, regardless of my day. You’ll get through this. And just a tip: “Hello” and “Thank you” aren’t difficult phrases to say. I’d suggest removing that stick, but something tells me you prefer it there. Have you named it?

4. Drivers at gas stations who fail to pull through to the farthest pump. So that’s how you operate? You got what you wanted, so to hell with everyone else waiting behind you? Let’s be honest: You probably think Dick Cheney was the best president who never was.

5. Employees at gas stations who neglect to refill receipt tape at the pumps. “Your receipt is waiting inside.” I don’t want to go inside. That’s why I used my credit card out here—to avoid dealing with people, especially those who won’t do their job. (And spare me the “maybe the tape just ran out” excuse. The dust on the pump suggests it hasn’t been serviced since Sacajawea advised Lewis and Clark to head west.)

6. Individuals who park in handicapped spaces but hop out of their cars without anyone needing special access. Whether or not you have the little sign dangling from your mirror, it’s clear you don’t require it, and you certainly don’t care about making life tougher for those with mobility challenges by stealing their space. And yet, you flaunt a “Jesus is My Co-Pilot” bumper sticker.

[Disclaimer: In previous versions of this narrative, some have pointed out that I can’t know a person’s physical challenges just by looking at them. Fair point. However, if someone is sporting tennis attire and still appears slightly sweaty from their latest country club tournament, it’s clear there’s no mobility issue—just an inflated ego.]

7. Those who honk the moment the light turns green at an intersection. You genuinely think that’s acceptable? If you’re that self-absorbed, medication might be in order. Perhaps you should adjust your GPS to direct you to the nearest therapist. And when you arrive, I hope others honk at you as you cross the parking lot, and you feel a little embarrassed. Because, karma.

8. Individuals unable to engage in real-time conversations. We’ve moved on from Topic A to Topic B, but you’re still stuck on Topic A, crafting the perfect response while the rest of us have moved forward. Suddenly, you blurt out something unrelated, forcing everyone to pause and ponder your relevance. This condition is known as discoursus interruptus, and it’s not appreciated. If you miss the moment, you miss it. Life is too short for do-overs.

9. Those who wrongly assume that impoverished individuals are in their situation due to poor decisions. Sometimes, they made the best choice available at the time, and it simply didn’t pan out.

10. Diners at Chinese restaurants who pick out all the prime selections from the buffet, leaving the rest of us with Kung Pao Chicken devoid of chicken.

11. Individuals who believe burdening our youth with the exorbitant cost of college, a debt that can take decades to repay, is acceptable, while being unfazed when billions of taxpayer dollars were allocated to mega-banks labeled “too big to fail.” Let’s redirect those funds to students striving to improve themselves, not to CEOs who enriched themselves at the cost of others.

12. Those who still haven’t grasped the purpose of turn signals on their vehicles. (Here’s a hint: You’re supposed to use it.)

13. Happy hour patrons who take a single sip of a low-quality drink and then commence cackling uncontrollably at everything said around the table. You may not realize it, but you’re incredibly annoying. It might be wise to return home and practice before attempting this again. Consuming alcohol respectfully in public is a skill one must learn. Perhaps you couldn’t afford the tuition fees? See above.

14. Individuals who never question the status quo. Progress only occurs when people raise their hands—and keep them raised.

15. Executives in the music industry who seem to have forgotten, or never learned, what genuine music entails. Of course, blame can also be placed on consumers who think a song is only worthwhile if accompanied by flashy videos filled with lights and chaotic camera work.

16. Those at drive-thru ATMs who appear to have never operated one before. What could possibly take thirty minutes? No matter how many buttons you press, if your account is empty, you’re not getting a miracle from above. Shift your car into gear and move along.

17. People obsessed with ensuring a woman completes a pregnancy, yet showing no concern once the child is born, cutting welfare, medical coverage, and educational opportunities, while refusing to raise the minimum wage and demonizing the mother when she seeks assistance with raising the child she was compelled to carry for political gain.

18. Those who make fashion choices based on trending topics on Twitter. Here’s a thought: wear what you like, style your hair how you want, and live your life in a way that brings you joy, rather than conforming to what a hashtag dictates. Unless it’s #NoSocksWithSandals—you should definitely share and like that one.

19. The people who still regard “The Walking Dead” as just a silly zombie series. Each episode contains more truth and validation than any of those “reality” shows cluttering the airwaves. I don’t care if America believes I can dance; I just want Carol on my side when things go south.

20. Those who exit public restrooms, leaving the place in a state that resembles a sewage system failure. If you’re this filthy in public, what does your private bathroom look like? Let’s hope for the best.

21. Individuals who hold garage sales every weekend. If your junk had any value, wouldn’t people have bought it by now? Just take it to the dump and start fresh.

22. Non-military individuals who drive Hummers. There’s simply no justification for this.

23. Those who demonize other cultures out of sheer ignorance and fear.

24. Patrons at restaurants who demand to speak with the manager because the server wasn’t a mind reader and instead paid attention to what you actually said. Own your errors; don’t point fingers when caught in the act.

25. Individuals who can’t open their mouths without spewing negativity and dissatisfaction. You woke up this morning and are still alive. That’s a pretty solid start in my book. Now get up and create something rather than trying to tear everything down.

26. “Writers” who churn out subpar e-books that clutter digital shelves, making it harder for readers to find quality literature. I’m not claiming there isn’t a niche market for titles like “Destiny Willowthigh Takes Her Mount to the Burly Blacksmith (Book 1 in the ‘Destiny Rides Everything in Sight’ Series).” I’m sure Destiny is delightful and her story is worth telling. However, it’s disheartening to search for “philosophy” in the Amazon bookstore and find 19 out of 20 covers featuring scantily-clad figures draped over muscular men or peeking seductively from behind a barn door, while a lone Proust title languishes in the corner, his expression suggesting he’d rather be anywhere else.

27. Those who can’t appreciate what they have, only fixating on what they lack.

28. People who didn’t make it this far because they couldn’t handle more than 140 characters without bright lights to distract them.

Cheers.

Previously published twice, with some adjustments made in hopes that this third iteration will be a charm. An obvious attempt to spark comments: Who would you send to Room 101?