The Well-Intentioned Producer and My Experience

“You were fantastic!” exclaimed the producer of a morning show, inviting me into her office after we filmed a segment on disappointment. “We’d love to have you back, but…”

“…next time, consider wearing a turtleneck or at least applying some neck cream.”

While she likely thought she was being helpful, her comment cut deeper than she realized. I questioned why she hadn’t paused the filming when she noticed my aging neck. Didn’t she see that my red sweater was a turtleneck, albeit unzipped in an attempt to appear attractive?

“You were doing so wonderfully,” she replied, sweetly, “I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

When I later viewed the footage with friends, they agreed that I had performed well. Yet, all I could see was my neck.

This incident dates back to 1995, long before Nora Ephron articulated her own struggles with aging. At 62, I was just beginning to grasp the concept of ageism.

Confronting Looks-Shaming

Ageism is pervasive, manifesting in the derogatory terms we use for older individuals, our assumptions about their abilities, and the societal pressure, especially on women, to conform to beauty standards.

It’s not just external forces at play; we often judge ourselves harshly as well. Fellow Medium writer Marie Bailey shared her own concerns about aging:

“This takes me back to my late 30s when I started to panic about my neck. I realized that it was only a matter of time before my skin lost its elasticity. I didn’t fret over wrinkles, but sagging became a concern. Now, I’ve accepted that sagging skin is simply a reality of life.”

One of the gifts of aging is the perspective we gain as we look back on our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to live long enough, time can provide us with wisdom, as it has for Marie. Nevertheless, resisting societal pressures takes courage.

We’re All in This Together, Ladies!

A decade ago, I found myself staring at my 68-year-old body in the bathroom mirror. “What force has invaded my bedroom and attached this body to my head?” I wondered.

My friend Marge, who is now 104, had a similar experience trying on a bathing suit. “It was terrifying,” she recalled.

Who among us hasn’t had a moment like this?

“This size 6 must be mislabeled! Oh no! Look at those hips! I resemble my older sister. I look like my mother. Was that mark there yesterday? Is that a wrinkle or a furrow? Are these laugh lines? I’m not laughing.”

Then there's the internal voice of our younger selves urging us to act against our perceived flaws. As I’ve embraced my older self, I’ve become better at silencing that voice and telling it to be realistic.

The roots of ageism often begin in childhood. Marie Bailey noted that she grew up hearing women in her family disparage others for not looking their age. At 62, she reflects on this.

What Does "Looking My Age" Even Mean?

And why should it matter?

Anti-ageism advocates argue that age should be irrelevant in discussions about work, skills, sexual desire, and especially appearance. As Ashton Applewhite asserts in her manifesto against ageism, This Chair Rocks:

“When someone says, ‘You look great for your age,’ I no longer awkwardly thank them. Instead, I cheerfully respond, ‘You look great for your age too!’”

Patricia Ross experienced her first moment of realization about ageism in her forties while overseeing a high school yearbook. She was shocked to find how many colleagues disliked their photos. Eventually, she recognized that she shared this sentiment.

Fortunately, “God” intervened with a message:

“How dare you be critical and ungrateful for this miracle of divine engineering! You have a body that functions well, a heart that beats steadily, and senses that allow you to engage with the world. How dare you!”

So What’s the Alternative?

The sting of looks-shaming starts early. My daughter’s friends, some even younger than her, have already undergone cosmetic procedures.

“I joked that my mother would kill me if I had anything done,” Jen remarked.

While I’d rather embrace my natural aging process than turn to a surgeon, I also make my preferences known (perhaps too vocally) when I see celebrities whose alterations I feel have detracted from their appearance.

Ultimately, Jen’s choices are hers to navigate, and I trust she’ll weigh her options carefully. Yet, it’s worth noting that only within ageist societies do women equate wrinkles with unattractiveness and feel the need for facelifts.

Full disclosure: I’m not exempt from these pressures. My bathrooms contain Olay Regenerist, and I dye my grey hair. I also appreciate compliments about how I look for my age!

However, I’m striving to challenge ageism through my writing and conversations.

The reality is that our appearance evolves throughout our lives. Instead of fighting against aging—spending time and money in vain efforts to halt it—we should celebrate our existence. Let’s cherish the privilege of aging, remembering how fortunate we are to be here at all. Consider the alternative.

Now, at 83, Patricia Ross finds herself more concerned with what her body can do than how it looks.

My Aging Body...

...has shifted from being concerned about appearances to prioritizing functionality.

Ten years ago, I faced a decision: succumb to negativity, which would only deepen with each passing year, or embrace self-acceptance. My body was aging—whether I liked it or not.

I chose to look at the woman in the mirror whom I barely recognized and acknowledge, “You look pretty darn good for 68!”

Similarly, Marge refused to mourn her younger self when she gazed into the mirror; instead, she discarded her bathing suit.

Marge typically focuses on practicality. She often reminds me that my feet deserve more attention than my face. “You’ll need them more!”

In conclusion, while we cannot control our fate, we can alter our perspectives. Wrinkles and sagging skin don’t have to be viewed as negative; instead, they can be seen as an integral and welcome aspect of the aging process.

Experts now conclude that our beliefs about aging—more than our circumstances—determine our quality of life and longevity.

So, rather than obsessing over your appearance, focus on your mobility. Let your feet carry you to new experiences and connections.

Instead of fretting about spots and blemishes, adopt the mindset of my acquaintance Donna, who perceives each wrinkle as a testament to her continued presence in the world.

Donna lost her mother and older sister at a young age, and while she misses them, she treasures the gift of longevity that she received.

“When I look in the mirror, I realize that my mother and sister didn’t live long enough to see their wrinkles. I feel fortunate to have them.”

Thank You for Reading

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