I used to indulge in intimate encounters while high, particularly on weekends. This habit had become my routine, especially on Friday nights, a ritual I eagerly anticipated throughout the week. However, with Sundays and often Tuesdays and Wednesdays slipping into the mix, my reliance on cannabis for intimacy began to shift.

Jack, my partner, enjoys sex multiple times a week, not just on weekends. He often emphasizes this expectation, jokingly yet seriously, as if to underline its importance in our relationship. For Jack, sex is akin to a runner needing to hit the pavement; without it, he feels unfulfilled and disconnected.

While I also desire intimacy, my journey to reduce weeknight cannabis use left me anxious about its impact on our sex life.

Being a mother has altered my sense of sexuality. Despite having a higher libido than many of my peers, my desire waned during pregnancy and the postpartum period, affected by depression and exhaustion. Jack felt the repercussions of my low libido, and so did I. The joy of intimacy had morphed into a chore, where sleep seemed more vital than pleasure.

The dynamic was different from our early days of passionate love. Back then, a glance from Jack could ignite my desire. Now, transitioning from mom to lover required mental preparation and time. To bridge this gap, I sometimes requested moments alone with an erotic story or proposed watching adult films together, hoping to reignite that spark.

With no formal knowledge of terminology, I sought to rekindle my "responsive desire," which had faded significantly. Reading Emily Nagoski's insightful book, Come As You Are, provided some clarity, emphasizing the importance of understanding one’s own sexuality.

Cannabis had become my secret weapon for rekindling desire. For years, I wished for a magic solution to restore my libido. Wine had its moments but also brought unwanted side effects, leaving me wary of its use.

Then cannabis entered my life. After weaning my last child, I found joy in the effects of marijuana. It awakened my senses, igniting creativity and joy. I felt liberated and vibrant, embracing my true self without fear.

Cannabis transformed my intimate experiences, eliminating the need for a gradual buildup. I felt electrified, eagerly embracing Jack’s touch, with each encounter becoming a sensory delight. My heightened state of awareness redefined intimacy; I craved more of this newfound ecstasy.

However, as years passed, cannabis became less of an enhancement and more of an expectation. I found myself questioning whether my desire for intoxication stemmed from deeper issues, particularly my bisexuality. Was I using substances to navigate intimacy with a man when my preference lay elsewhere?

Although we explored polyamory, I occasionally sought the same high before being intimate with female partners. The transition back to a more conventional swinging dynamic with Jack revived my enjoyment of our physical connection.

Still, I grappled with the need for cannabis to enjoy intimacy. Was I not enough without it? As I contemplated my substance use, I recognized the benefits of limiting it to weekends, noticing improvements in my overall well-being.

Sober intimacy became a new ritual, typically reserved for weeknights. After a family evening filled with cuddles and television, Jack and I would retreat to our bedroom, devoid of any substances.

Without the haze of intoxication, I found myself in a different mindset. I was no longer a sultry figure; I was simply a mom, preparing for a moment of connection. Yet, I understood the value of intimacy for our relationship and the emotional release it offered both of us.

The absence of cannabis required me to mentally prepare, adopting a mantra that focused my intentions. This mindset became a ritual, allowing me to tap into my inner strength and embrace my femininity. I envisioned myself as a powerful figure, ready to share that energy with Jack, balancing our dynamic.

As I surrendered to the moment, the fantasy faded, and I found myself fully present. Sober intimacy felt more authentic, stripped of any distractions. The clarity of experience deepened the pleasure, making each org