When my daughter Erma was young, my go-to discipline method was a short timeout in a designated corner.

My intention was to guide her towards better behavior; however, I inadvertently taught her that as long as she accepted the consequences, she could misbehave without worry.

One day, she requested the last slice of chocolate cake, but I reminded her it was reserved for her father. "That belongs to Daddy," I explained.

Not long after, she gleefully approached me, her face covered in chocolate. "I’m so sorry I took Daddy’s cake, and now I’ll stand in the corner," she said in a sing-song tone.

You Call That Regret? I noticed the remnants of cake on her face but saw no signs of genuine regret. "Erma, do you truly feel sorry for eating Daddy’s cake?" I inquired.

Her grin widened. "No, I’m actually happy I ate it!" she replied.

That was the moment I decided to eliminate timeouts from my parenting approach, but I felt uncertain about what to do next.

Spanking Was Not an Option I still harbor resentment about the spanking I endured as a child. I recall feeling utterly betrayed. "What right did they have to inflict pain on me?" I'd ponder each time my parents resorted to corporal punishment.

Even today, I cannot tolerate any form of injustice, and I believe this stems from those early experiences. Whether you call it a smack, a hit, or a beating, it’s simply cruel for someone stronger to harm someone weaker.

I always knew I didn’t want to discipline my children with spanking, even though my mother often remarked that some misbehaving kids "just need a good smack."

In my parents' eyes, not spanking your kids would lead to spoiled behavior. In my small town, I didn’t encounter anyone who disagreed with that belief.

That Decided It I concluded that my future children would just have to be spoiled. It was unfortunate, but I saw no alternative.

However, once I moved away from my hometown, I encountered many individuals raised under different circumstances. I began to ask them about their upbringing and met many well-adjusted people who had not been spanked.

This led me to realize that it was possible to raise well-behaved children without resorting to corporal punishment. That was encouraging.

Despite this, I still thought some form of discipline was necessary. After all, children need guidance to behave properly, right? Unfortunately, every attempt I made to correct Erma's behavior seemed to ruin the rest of our day. She resisted every form of punishment I tried, and her cheerful demeanor would shift dramatically.

She seemed unaware that my ultimate goal was for her to grow into a good person and that I was trying my best not to resort to physical punishment.

Mothers Need Guidance If you wish to parent differently from how you were raised, finding mentors is essential. I was fortunate to discover some.

I began attending La Leche League meetings while pregnant to learn about breastfeeding, but the real benefit was meeting other mothers.

I gained valuable insights from them! A group of us started weekly playdates, gathering in parks or homes, where I learned about positive parenting. Additionally, I read numerous books from the LLL library, including The Continuum Concept by cultural anthropologist Jean Liedloff.

That book left a profound impact on me. It not only transformed my parenting style but also reshaped my worldview, encouraging me to dismiss societal norms. Much of my nonconformity stemmed from that reading.

I Let Go of Control When Erma engaged in behavior I deemed punishable, I began to ask myself several questions: Is she putting herself or others at risk? Is she in danger of damaging something? Is she doing something she needs to learn is unacceptable, or will she naturally outgrow it?

For instance, she loved to jump on the sofa, but I wanted to protect both the furniture and her safety. Instead of scolding her or punishing her, I would redirect her energy. "How about we jump outside instead?" I’d suggest as I lifted her up.

She understood the message—Mom doesn’t want me jumping on the sofa—but there were no negative interactions, and she didn’t sulk afterward.

I’m pleased to say that Erma hasn’t jumped on a sofa for about three decades, which leads me to believe that she would naturally outgrow that behavior.

I Have Two Children Erma is now 33, and her brother Snack (who is affectionately called Uncle Snack by Erma’s kids because he always has treats) is 31. When Boyhood premiered in 2014, we watched it together in theaters and had an extended discussion afterward.

The film, shot over 12 years, showcased the actors aging in real time. The main character is only four years younger than my son, which made watching it feel almost autobiographical, despite the film's events differing from our family experiences. The movie beautifully captured the essence of each era due to its real-time filming.

The mother in the film made some regrettable choices that impacted her children, prompting me to reflect on my own parenting. No matter how hard you strive for perfection, you will inevitably recognize mistakes in hindsight.

"We always knew you loved us," Snack told me, and that sentiment brought tears to my eyes then and still does now.

Then He Surprised Me "I had fewer rules than anyone I knew, aside from the kids whose parents were indifferent," he remarked.

While I acknowledged my permissive parenting style, I hadn't realized how much of an outlier I was.

I don’t subscribe to authoritarian parenting, nor do I believe in imposing such methods from infancy, although some do. Certain individuals advocate teaching babies to endure hunger at night by ignoring their cries, and indeed, it works. Through the cry-it-out technique, a baby learns that they cannot rely on you to fulfill their nighttime needs.

That’s not a lesson I wanted my children to learn.

I also didn’t want them to grasp that they could avoid punishment by simply not getting caught. I preferred for my children to cultivate an internal motivation to be good individuals.

Teen Rebellion Is Not Inevitable We didn’t experience the teenage drama that many people joke about as a given. Perhaps the best way to prevent a child from rebelling against authority is to minimize authoritative presence.

Some believe in Original Sin and think they must battle their child’s inherent wickedness to enforce good behavior. I do not share that belief. My children were born good and have remained so. There was no evil in them that needed to be eliminated.

No One Wants to Be a Bad Parent Most parents genuinely desire their children to love them and grow into morally upright individuals. They often believe that tightly controlling their children’s actions and punishing them for stepping out of line is essential to achieving this. Such methods may produce rule-followers, but they do not instill the motivation to be genuinely "good."

There is immense societal pressure to conform to specific parenting norms. "Bad" children reflect poorly on their "bad" parents, which can lead to punitive threats to ensure compliance in public. However, you can promote good behavior by modeling it yourself and expecting your children to mirror your actions.

I learned this lesson from a La Leche League mother whose name I can’t recall. She had several children, and when another mother asked her how she managed to raise them so well, she replied, "I expect it of them." That revelation was enlightening.

I Didn’t Raise Brats, Actually It was quite common for strangers to approach me to commend my children's exemplary behavior in public. Upon moving to a new neighborhood, our neighbor said my kids were the best she’d ever seen, despite having three of her own. They liked Snack so much they even took him on vacation with them.

Teachers consistently shared positive feedback about my children. I’m not trying to boast; rather, I want to emphasize that my kids were not the ones causing disruptions in restaurants or acting out in school.

Do the Hands that Rock the Cradle Rule the World? I am curious whether authoritarian parenting leads children to adopt authoritarian tendencies themselves. It certainly backfired with me; I didn’t want my kids to endure the rigid upbringing I experienced.

Children are not born as blank slates, and it is impossible to force them to become what you desire—though you can compel them to at least pretend for as long as you maintain control.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that your children are not reflections of your parenting success. They are individuals in their own right. I believe your role is to inspire them to become the best versions of themselves.