Rediscovering Life Through the Liminal Space of COVID-19
Written on
Chapter 1: The Onset of Illness
A few weeks ago, I began to experience familiar symptoms: an irritating tickle in my throat and a noticeable loss of taste and smell. Having had Omicron last January without significant issues, I assumed that this time, fully vaccinated, I would only feel unwell for a brief period. However, this assumption was quickly shattered.
It was as if my body had declared a war I had never encountered before. That night, a sore throat escalated into an overwhelming wave of pain, nausea, and chills. Despite my attempts to rest, sleep eluded me. I took some Nyquil, hoping for relief, but it failed to soothe my discomfort. My temperature surged, and I found myself in an endless cycle of tossing and turning, drenched in sweat.
Around midnight, I began to experience what I can only describe as physical hallucinations. I felt my body transitioning through various elemental forms—melting, swirling, and morphing into a series of bizarre shapes. This surreal experience continued for hours, each moment blending into the next.
Chapter 2: Confronting Mortality
As I lay there, I clung to the hope that this was merely a nightmare, yet time continued to tick away in a maddeningly real manner. At one point, a sobering thought struck me: perhaps these strange visions were signals that I was nearing the end. The idea brought a sense of relief, as if I had finally uncovered a mystery.
But then, my thoughts turned to my teenage daughter, and the urge to fight for my life surged within me.
A Profound Realization
At 4:35 am, I found myself sitting up, recalling a story my neighbor shared about her experience with Iboga, a plant medicine that acted as a catalyst for profound personal growth. She described it as a harsh yet enlightening journey. In her case, each time her mind drifted from the present, she would become physically ill. Her laughter echoed in my mind: “Best crash course in presence, ever!”
It dawned on me that perhaps this virus was also serving as my teacher. I whispered into the void, “What are you trying to teach me?”
Suddenly, I was hit by a wave of dizziness and collapsed back onto my pillow. My body felt feverish, and a sharp pain struck me from my heart to my stomach, making me feel as though I were being pried open from the inside. In that feverish haze, I envisioned a young girl, around seven years old, lying beside me, surrounded by flames and connected to me by a molten cord. The emotions of grief and anger surged through me as I recognized her as a symbol of societal trauma.
She represented the child lost to a world filled with fear and oppression, a soul overwhelmed by despair. In that moment, I realized the urgency of the work that lay ahead.
The Strength of Connection
“What do you need?” I asked, careful not to miss the significance of this interaction.
“Stop wasting time on trivial matters,” she replied, her gaze fixed away from me. “We have vital work ahead.”
Acknowledging her wisdom, I murmured, “I understand.”
With that, she vanished, and I finally drifted off to sleep.
The first video titled Exploring Dying Liminal Spaces delves into the profound experiences of near-death moments, paralleling my own realizations during illness.
Chapter 3: Awakening to Awe
During the following week, I encountered more visions, including wise elders and even a trickster. They all offered insights, but I found myself overwhelmed and requested they return in my dreams. One night, I awoke with clarity, realizing that my body is merely a vessel that allows me to experience the full spectrum of humanity—temporary yet profoundly beautiful.
To cope, I binge-watched the first three seasons of Six Feet Under—a fitting choice when grappling with mortality. The show’s exploration of life and death comforted me, reminding me of the wisdom shared by the deceased characters.
The second video, Exploring Liminal Spaces: A Workshop with Andrew Holecek, provides further insights into understanding these profound experiences and their significance.
Chapter 4: The Beauty of Existence
After a week of isolation, sustained by the kindness of neighbors, I finally tested negative. Eager to step outside, I prepared for my PCR test. As I drove through the rain, I was inundated with sensory experiences—the music, the raindrops on my windshield, the vibrant colors of spring.
In that moment, I witnessed the miracles that coexist with suffering: blooming flowers, resilient plants, and the struggles of an elderly woman navigating the rain. It struck me how beauty and pain exist side by side, and I vowed to cherish this realization.
The rain returned as I entered the medical center for my test. A friendly staff member greeted me, and I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for life itself.
The Journey to Awe
Feeling better yet still restless, I turned to literature for comfort, picking up Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life by Dacher Keltner. His research into awe resonated deeply with me, particularly his findings about the transformative power of awe in combating loneliness and disconnection.
Keltner categorizes awe experiences into eight distinct types, which can be intentionally cultivated to enhance our lives.
Rituals to Foster Awe
As my health improved, I became curious about creating rituals to foster moments of awe. Here are three practices based on Keltner’s work:
- Nature Walks: Venture into natural settings to experience the interconnectedness of life. Choose a location that intrigues you and immerse yourself in the moment.
- Public Displays of Appreciation: Create a space for sharing authentic gratitude within your community. This practice can foster connection and uplift spirits.
- Epiphany Rituals: During challenging times, ask yourself meaningful questions to unlock insights. This approach can lead to profound realizations and clarity.
Incorporating these rituals into daily life can enhance our wellbeing, promoting resilience in the face of adversity. The experience of awe serves as a powerful antidote to life’s challenges, urging us to connect and engage deeply with the world around us.
In conclusion, my struggle with COVID-19 revealed the urgency of embracing life and healing. In a time filled with distractions, we must strive to lead with our hearts and foster connections that sustain our souls.