1 — Dating Platforms Are Primarily Filled with Emotionally Unavailable Individuals

A logical starting point is the primary avenue through which many find their partners nowadays — dating apps.

Online dating can be a source of frustration for many. My clients often recount experiences of inconsistency and ghosting that seem almost scripted. This can leave you questioning the value of your efforts.

Instead of condemning dating apps, consider this: what type of person is most likely to use them?

An emotionally unavailable person.

Why? Because they tend to cycle through relationships quickly, date multiple people at once, and prefer short-term flings. Dating apps provide a perfect space for them to engage and disappear with minimal accountability.

Remember, commitment and emotional intimacy are what these individuals seek to avoid. Online platforms allow them to engage broadly without the pressure of genuine connection. If a relationship begins to approach commitment or intimacy, it's all too easy for them to retreat back into the dating scene.

If you’re using these apps, you are likely to encounter many emotionally unavailable individuals.

Without awareness, you might start to internalize the idea that you are the issue and settle for relationships that fail to meet your needs.

Let’s clarify: this doesn’t mean there aren’t well-meaning individuals on these platforms. There certainly are. It’s crucial to recognize that there will always be a higher number of emotionally unavailable people, as these apps provide a safe haven for them. Secure individuals seeking serious relationships are more likely to commit and don’t spend much time searching for the “perfect” partner.

This isn’t meant to be a grim outlook. Time-wasters and users exist in every aspect of life; we’ve learned how to identify them.

A more effective approach is to focus on qualifying your dates rather than attempting to change them.

If someone ghosts you, chances are you’re not the first they’ve done this to, nor will you be the last. This speaks volumes about them rather than you, and the sooner you realize this, the quicker you can move on.

We will explore this concept further later. For now, keep in mind that numbers can play a more significant role than you might think.

2 — You Validate Your Dating Beliefs

During my coaching training, my mentor shared a powerful insight:

“Most individuals prefer to be right rather than happy.”

At first, I was skeptical. However, after years of coaching, I’ve come to understand the truth behind that statement.

Humans have an addiction to being right — especially in the realm of relationships.

Many of us have a narrative that shapes our love lives, whether it’s about rejection, attracting unsuitable partners, or never finding "the one." Once this narrative is established, we spend considerable effort confirming it.

A common scenario is when someone with an anxious attachment style encounters an avoidant partner:

• The anxious individual believes no one can meet their relational needs.
• The avoidant partner perceives others as overly needy and desires less intimacy.

Ironically, these two narratives reinforce each other. When the anxious person communicates their needs, the avoidant partner often withdraws, leaving the anxious individual questioning their worth. They might even modify their behavior or desperately attempt to coax the avoidant partner into opening up. In turn, the avoidant labels them as needy, bolstering their own sense of independence.

The outcome?

Both parties affirm their beliefs, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and a sense of familiarity that our brains crave.

Emotionally unavailable individuals often seek out anxious types because it boosts their sense of power. They may believe they are self-sufficient and independent, overlooking their lack of self-connection and dependency on others.

Both parties ignore alternative perspectives, such as:

• We cannot change others.
• Not all rejections are personal (the world isn’t centered around us).
• We all rely on others (have you ever needed help?).
• Suppressing emotions doesn’t make one stronger.
• Perhaps you are more attracted to the excitement of the chase than the person themselves.

These concerns often vanish when dating someone who is secure. Ironically, many find dating a secure partner uncomfortable. Imagine someone who inquires about your needs or patiently supports you through difficult times.

To break free from this cycle, you must release your narrative and acknowledge that not all love is doomed to fail, and not all people will disappoint you. Essentially, you need to allow others a chance while reducing the drama in your life.

3 — The Cycle of Toxic Dopamine Release

A significant reason many pursue emotionally unavailable partners is the excitement of the chase. Admit it — you relish the thrill of trying to understand someone and speculating about their reactions or potential breakthroughs. Even when it causes pain, those moments can feel exhilarating.

Why does this happen?

The answer lies in dopamine, a neurotransmitter that influences emotion, movement, and energy. It drives us to pursue rewards and experience pleasure. Dopamine is also known for its addictive properties; it plays a key role in the euphoria associated with drugs and the compulsive nature of gambling.

Research by Professor Robert Sapolsky identified two crucial aspects of dopamine:

1. Release occurs in anticipation of a reward (not in receiving it).
2. Uncertainty amplifies release (a 50:50 chance yields the greatest spike).

Consider what this means when you pursue someone you think is interested or might change (e.g., an avoidant partner).

Dopamine levels soar!

You may feel addicted to that individual, mistaking this for a profound attraction. In reality, what you’re experiencing may be a dopamine feedback loop.

The fluctuations in the relationship create a harmful cycle where you chase temporary rewards (affection, moments of closeness, validation).

Here’s the catch — the emotionally unavailable partner will consistently send mixed signals. Without awareness of this cycle, you may find yourself lost in a dopamine loop, believing you need to try harder or change something about yourself.

If you want to delve deeper into this concept, check out my comprehensive article on the subject. For now, recognize that much of what you perceive as attraction could be a chemical loop akin to what drug or gambling addicts experience.

What Should You Do Next?

After considering the points above, you may wonder what to do moving forward.

While a comprehensive strategy is beyond the scope of this post, I can share three initial ideas to help you start thinking differently.

1 — Clarify Your Needs

Before expressing your desires to a partner, ensure you know what you want from a relationship.

Many are more aware of what they don’t want rather than what they do want.

Without this clarity, we often concentrate on what we dislike instead of recognizing what we value. Starting with what you don’t want is fine, but be sure to guide yourself towards understanding what you do want.

It’s essential to be honest with yourself. If you need regular communication, acknowledge that rather than suffering in silence. This honesty will help you grow more secure in yourself.

2 — Recognize Your Red Flags

What you tolerate, you encourage. Without boundaries, you may find yourself in a relationship that fails to meet your needs and ultimately violates them.

Understanding the red flags can save you considerable heartache. It might be as simple as repeated communication failures, poor treatment, or an inability to resolve conflicts maturely.

Don’t let me dictate your boundaries — reflect on what behaviors you no longer wish to accept.

3 — Stop Trying to Fix Others

Perhaps the hardest truth to accept is this: you can’t save everyone.

Sometimes, we believe we can help someone change. We may encounter an avoidant person and try to create a safe environment for them to open up. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect, pushing them further into their shell.

Not everyone desires change, and that’s perfectly okay. There are others out there waiting to meet you — but only if you’re willing to release the need to fix others.

Imagine going to a store asking for eggs and then blaming yourself when they don’t provide them. Not everyone can deliver what you seek, and that’s alright. Seek out a lovely brunch spot instead.

Final Reflections

You've explored three reasons you might be attracting emotionally unavailable partners, along with initial steps to address it.

The next step is to take action. Consider what you can do today to advance in your journey.

If you found this post insightful and wish to put these ideas into practice, click the link below to arrange a FREE Breakthrough Call with me. I’m committed to helping you take meaningful steps forward.

Make it happen.

Are you tired of repeating dating patterns? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you truly deserve?

I have guided hundreds of clients in overcoming overthinking, healing from rejection, and becoming their most attractive selves.

If this resonates with you, why not schedule a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can help you.

You can also download my FREE eBook, “Three Essential Keys to Move On From Heartbreak,” right here.