Understanding the Reasons Behind Female Infidelity
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My client was heartbroken, bewildered, and enraged.
In an unexpected turn of events, he discovered that his adult son was not biologically his.
The revelation came to light after his wife had a passionate affair over 40 years ago, resulting in a child.
For years, she had been uncertain about the child's paternity, hoping it was her husband’s; unfortunately, it was not.
Now, my client was left grappling with the emotional fallout.
It was utter chaos.
Their relationship, along with his mental well-being, resembled a disaster zone post-Chernobyl — toxic, devastated, and shattered. He was furious!
His reaction is not uncommon. Infidelity stirs deep resentment.
Even discussing the complexities of cheating, including its motivations and psychological underpinnings, can evoke anger, as I discovered in my previous blog post on the subject.
I faced backlash for suggesting that infidelity isn't solely an act of moral failing.
We often label cheaters as selfish, arrogant individuals who betray our trust and deserve severe consequences. Enough said.
While there is some truth to this, context is crucial. Consider the classic ethical question: Is theft wrong? Most would agree that stealing is indeed wrong.
But what if your spouse were terminally ill, and your insurance refused to cover a life-saving medication?
Would you still refrain from stealing it?
Or would you allow your beloved partner — the mother of your children — to suffer a painful demise due to bureaucratic ineptitude fueled by corporate greed? Is that morally superior?
Context is critical.
So, is cheating always unethical? What if you’re in a marriage devoid of intimacy, with a partner unwilling to confront the situation? Perhaps they experienced childhood abuse, identify as asexual, or are struggling with their sexual orientation. Yet, you still love them and wish to keep your family intact?
Would you then consider infidelity?
Again, context matters. I empathize with the pain of betrayal (I have experienced it myself). Yes, it shatters trust and often leads to relationship breakdowns, but individuals typically have reasons behind their actions.
What Type of Woman Engages in Infidelity?
Primarily, women who are employed. Research indicates a rise in infidelity among both genders, with approximately 20 to 25% of individuals being unfaithful.
Historically, men were more prone to cheating, but the gap has narrowed significantly. Among those under 45, infidelity rates for men and women are now comparable.
This surge in female infidelity likely correlates with the increasing participation of women in the workforce. With more women working alongside men, opportunities for romantic encounters have expanded, particularly in the workplace.
Moreover, cheaters often engage in relationships within familiar settings.
Unlike men who might use dating apps, many women meet their partners for affairs at work, the gym, or in their neighborhoods, keeping things close to home.
Often, They Are Unhappy in Their Relationships
Take Lucy, a dear friend of mine, whose marriage fell apart due to her infidelity. She is a wonderful person, but her ADHD clashed with her husband's strict, detail-oriented nature.
Their marriage was anything but harmonious. Lucy often felt controlled, unappreciated, and scrutinized by her husband. After he retired, she sought a job as a church organist to escape his rigid demeanor and soon fell for the chaplain (remember the adage about shitting where you eat).
Her affair with the chaplain was intense, and Lucy frequently expressed that she felt euphoric during their time together.
Although the affair did not last, her lover fulfilled an emotional void, making her feel valued, attractive, and, crucially, accepted. She eventually divorced her husband after 25 years of a less-than-satisfying marriage.
According to Susan Shapiro Barash, author of the insightful book A Passion for More, women who cheat often feel a lack of fulfillment in their relationships.
When couples initially fall in love, they go out of their way to impress each other. However, this enthusiasm wanes over time, and many women in Barash’s study reported feeling invisible and unappreciated by their husbands. They craved intimacy and connection.
They missed the feeling of being desired and the passion that characterized the early days of their relationship.
Additionally, the daily grind of shared life often drains relationships of their erotic energy.
Engaging with a lover rekindled their sense of aliveness and sensuality. As one wife shared with Barash:
> “I sought validation from other men to affirm my attractiveness. I felt intimidated by men. Ultimately, we didn’t divorce immediately, but we did separate physically. My husband moved away, and I became involved with someone else. It wasn’t about seeking love; it was about reclaiming my self-worth. I yearned to feel beautiful, desired, strong, and intelligent. I had lost all that.” — A Passion for More
Sometimes, what they miss most is physical intimacy.
> “The sex was enjoyable, distinctly different. We engaged in more oral sex than in my marriage, and the overall experience deepened my sexual awareness, positively affecting my marriage as well.” — A Passion for More
Barash found that 65% of the women she interviewed believed their sexual experiences with their lovers were superior to those with their husbands.
They Possess Certain Personality Traits
Are you the type of person who makes friends easily? Is skydiving your favorite pastime? Did you leave a corporate job to pursue a more adventurous lifestyle?
If so, you might be more susceptible to infidelity.
Research suggests that individuals who score higher on sensation-seeking traits are more likely to cheat.
Sensation seekers tend to have a diminished sensitivity to dopamine, necessitating higher levels of the neurotransmitter to experience pleasure, which may lead them to stray.
Cheating is more prevalent among those with permissive attitudes towards sex, extroverted personalities, lower conscientiousness (less disciplined and more impulsive), and a greater openness to new experiences (less dogmatic and more creative).
They May Be Influenced by Their Biology
Could genetics play a role in infidelity? It’s possible. Research indicates that if one of your parents cheated, you are 50% more likely to do the same.
In a study involving 1,600 British female twins, researchers found genetic links to infidelity (41%) and the number of lifetime sexual partners (38%), with a strong correlation between the two (47%).
Beyond genetic factors, it’s evident that romantic attraction and sexual desire can cloud judgment.
Consider a hypothetical "good wife" (who may soon stray). In her late 30s to mid-40s, she works in an office with many men and manages well.
However, when a new, attractive colleague joins the team, she initially resists her attraction.
Yet, as they collaborate on projects, her resolve weakens, and the chemistry between them becomes undeniable.
If her marriage is strained and her husband inattentive, the colleague’s attentiveness becomes enticing.
Soon, thoughts of him dominate her mind, and temptation grows stronger.
According to anthropologist Helen Fisher in Why We Love, her brain becomes awash with chemicals that compromise her common sense.
A lover’s brain is fueled by dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine drives feelings of reward and anticipation, while norepinephrine heightens excitement and energy.
This cocktail makes her overlook her husband’s shortcomings, casting her colleague in an almost idealized light.
It’s no wonder poets describe love as a form of madness.
These biochemical responses occur without our control or consent. Falling in love or feeling desire is often beyond our power.
In Conclusion
In certain cultures, adultery is viewed as a grave offense, with punishments ranging from imprisonment to execution. In the U.S., 18 states still classify adultery as illegal.
While most of us don't advocate for extreme penalties for cheaters today, we often cling to rigid moral standards regarding infidelity. The reality is that numerous factors contribute to why someone might stray, some of which are quite understandable.
There are contextual, biological, and environmental elements that influence infidelity.
The pain of betrayal is profound, stemming from the hurt of being deceived by someone we cherish and trust. Yet, it can be more convenient to assign blame than to reflect on our own roles in a relationship's decline.
If you’re acting poorly, don’t be shocked if your partner seeks comfort elsewhere. Remember, both partners share responsibility for maintaining the relationship.
Infidelity can be intimidating because there’s no foolproof method to safeguard your relationship from affairs, despite numerous articles claiming otherwise. You cannot dictate another person's actions, and attempts to do so through spying or manipulation can backfire, potentially leading to the very outcome you wish to avoid.
However, you can contribute positively to a healthy relationship.
Maintain open communication and address issues early before they escalate. Both partners must be committed to meeting each other’s needs; after all, a relationship is a collaborative effort.
Given that female infidelity often stems from feelings of neglect, if you wish to keep your partner at home, invest time in nurturing your relationship and ensure intimacy is prioritized — don’t hesitate to ask.
Avoid taking her for granted. If you neglect her needs, someone else will step in.
About the Author:
Kaye Smith PhD is a social psychologist, life coach, sex educator, and fine art photographer. She is also a devoted cat owner with a penchant for tea.