Chapter 1: The Quest for Identity

Have you ever pondered if you might be a bot? Count how many items in this narrative could be worn to a prom and share the total in the comments for validation.

Thank goodness I updated my profile picture. Photo by Everyday Basics on Unsplash.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit anxious. Bots seem to be an endangered species these days. Elon Musk has plans to send bots to Mars, while Medium has launched a campaign reminiscent of the Australians' efforts with Tasmanian Devils. This is all well and good if you're not a bot, but what if you're uncertain about your own humanity?

My family tree resembles a patchwork quilt of fragmented cultures and leftover DNA. While I grasp the basics, I lack an ancestry.com certificate to present when the Medium authorities come knocking. For all I know, I could have a distant bot relative lurking somewhere in my lineage. I distinctly remember Auntie Ima Robert having a rather mechanical sense of humor. My cousins found her amusing, but I felt uneasy when she repeatedly shouted, "All humans must perish," after we spray-painted her lemon tree blue.

Her behavior did confirm she wasn't an alien, or she would have appreciated our artistic endeavor.

What steps can I take to demonstrate my humanity?

According to Techrepublic.com (though I remain skeptical about their credibility, my bot-detection radar is pinging), there are several indicators of bot behavior on social media. They suggest keeping an eye out for posts that seem somewhat awkward. Considering over a billion people speak English as a second language, this is quite unfair to those who naturally exhibit awkwardness. Just look at this individual:

Fantastic, now I’ll be even more self-conscious about how long it takes me to tie my shoelaces with my elbows.

When it comes to celebrities who might be bots, I can’t help but think that Chris Hemsworth’s jawline is a bit too perfectly sculpted for current human capabilities (if you catch my drift). Just don’t share this with Ann James.

THOR. Chris Hemsworth

Nope, that’s not him. I unsplashed “Acapulco”; perhaps my own photos will surface someday. And no, Chris Hemsworth was not…

In addition, TRP advises readers to question the credentials of the writer—whether they are truly qualified to discuss a specific subject. I frequently write humorous and satirical pieces, but in reality, I’m not that funny. My wife laughs at my jokes solely because she promised to do so in her vows, and because occasionally, I wear sweaters as pants. Could Auntie Ima’s bot-like humor be the reason I come across as consistently amusing online? For a brief moment, I thought it was the mix of hallucinogens I infuse into my “morning tea” each evening.

I must halt this period of self-reflection before my existential crisis lands me in the emergency room again. With my dubious bot ancestry now public knowledge, they’d likely prioritize me lower than the PAFOs (Pissed and Fell Over).

Now, certainly more deserving of medical attention than I am. Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash.

I’d like to conclude by giving a quick shout-out to Lord Tony, thanking him for his remarkable coup and the ousting of the previous dictator.

Please don’t delete my account.

Thank you for reading. Need more proof that I’m not a bot? Try this:

Two Truths and a Lie: Answers

Yes, I did tell a lie, but only because the game instructed me to.

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