Determining Your Core Values

My journey into writing began with an online values quiz that provoked deep reflection, leading me to realize I had a voice worth sharing. This prompted my venture into children's literature, a pursuit I owe to my neurodivergent perspective.

From an early age, I possessed a strong moral compass and resisted even minor injustices. My neurodivergence has often made it challenging to grasp the motivations of others, particularly when it comes to dishonesty or unkindness stemming from jealousy. Such actions wound me more than they affect the person targeted.

When it comes to jealousy, I find myself comparing only to my past self, rather than others' experiences or possessions. I recognize that many neurotypical individuals are driven by competition, but I do not relate to that mindset.

Understanding the Conflict with Rules

The basis for my feelings lies in my values. Growing up, we are taught rules by parents and society, but these often differ from our personal values. Most societal rules stem from neurotypical perspectives, which can lead to difficulties for those of us who think differently. We often comply simply to be law-abiding citizens.

I see no distinction between legal mandates and societal rules; a rule is a rule. If a certain behavior is expected of me, I typically comply, regardless of the emotional toll it takes.

However, I remain steadfast in my values. If a rule clashes with what I believe, I am willing to face the consequences of noncompliance. Although I haven't always had the confidence to assert this, my recent autism diagnosis has empowered me to stand firm in my beliefs about appropriate behavior.

Authenticity

To be true to myself is my foremost value. I was surprised to discover that this concept is overlooked by many.

Throughout my life, I have concealed my true self, enduring the repercussions, including chronic fatigue syndrome in my twenties and frequent autistic burnout. My exhaustion stemmed from my commitment to authenticity; every time I masked my true self, it was in response to a situation that conflicted with my beliefs.

Self-Awareness

I realized early on that the person I envisioned in my mind was vastly different from how others perceived me. Outwardly quiet and shy, I was bursting with ideas and stories yearning for expression.

As a teenager, I began to share some of my thoughts, especially in a school environment that embraced neurodiversity. I felt accepted there, though once I entered the workforce, I had to revert to masking my true self. The workplace is filled with diverse personalities, making it risky to reveal my genuine self.

Motherhood: A Catalyst for Clarity

Becoming a mother unlocked a new perspective in me, possibly due to my childhood aspiration of motherhood. I realized I could be my authentic self with my children, nurturing them to embrace their true selves too. It might be my inner child striving to correct the challenges I faced as a child, giving my children the freedom I lacked.

While my children are not an excuse for upholding my values, they provide ample motivation. If I failed to advocate for myself and chose silence, I felt compelled to do so for them. As their primary caregiver, I must protect my children while also caring for my own well-being.

Freedom

The ability to choose my way of living and behaving is my second core value.

This notion is particularly complex for those of us who are neurodivergent, especially after years of being undiagnosed. I believe this struggle has heightened my desire for freedom, as I often felt restricted from living authentically. For neurodivergent individuals, it’s not just about what we want; it’s about living in a way that meets our inherent needs, and many rules can hinder that freedom.

Persistence

My final core value is persistence, a trait that has been significant in my life journey.

For those of us with neurodiverse minds, the need to persist is inherent. Holding onto our true selves can be a challenge, yet embracing this value has been a beacon during difficult times.

In my mid-twenties, I grappled with moderate chronic fatigue syndrome. I faced days when freedom from this illness felt unattainable, yet I refused to surrender. While I had to yield to the illness to some extent, I clung to the belief that this was not my permanent reality.

This same voice propelled me through two miscarriages and the termination of a baby with a rare genetic disorder. Nothing would deter me from my dream of motherhood, despite the pain it brought.

Neurodivergent individuals achieve remarkable feats daily, enduring significant struggles just to blend into societal expectations. I wonder if my values resonate with many others in the neurodiverse community. They have consistently provided me with focus and strength, guiding me through the darkest times.

Challenging Societal Norms

I am increasingly aware of the numerous unspoken neurotypical rules imposed upon us to be deemed socially acceptable. What if these rules clash with my values? I have developed my own framework that aligns better with my authentic self.

Take politeness, for instance. My interpretation often diverges from the neurotypical understanding, which sometimes feels disingenuous.

I find that when I connect with someone sharing similar values, our bond forms rapidly. These are the interactions I cherish, rather than superficial exchanges with neighbors purely out of obligation. I do have a lovely neighbor, and our chats about hanging baskets are delightful, yet I don’t feel pressured to engage if it becomes taxing.

Social Interactions

My social preferences aren’t a blanket rejection of sociability; rather, I am selective about my interactions. A brief encounter with the wrong person can throw my day into chaos, leaving me to dissect what went awry.

I often prioritize the comfort of others, even when I am the one feeling offended. This inclination seems absurd.

The same applies to social gatherings. I enjoy being around those I connect with, but I avoid events where I’m forced to mingle with a mixed crowd. The risk often outweighs any potential benefits.

Navigating Offense

Striving not to offend others is another rule I find difficult to adhere to, especially when I frequently feel hurt. I believe in treating others as I wish to be treated. Open communication about offenses is essential for healthy relationships. Yet, I often shield those who offend me to avoid causing them discomfort. How illogical!

I approach conversations with care, considering others’ circumstances, but I don’t receive the same courtesy in return.

Standing Firm in My Values

I am learning that I should never have to justify my autism as a reason for upholding my values. My mental, physical, and emotional well-being does not require justification. In a free society, we all have the right to choose and live by our values wholeheartedly.

I’ve kept my values hidden for so long, but it’s incredibly empowering to express and stand up for them whenever possible. Many of you are likely making the same choice daily, suffering to spare someone else's discomfort. Remember, their discomfort is their choice and not your responsibility.

Receiving my neurodivergent diagnosis has reinforced my core values, enhancing their role in my life. They help restore balance in my relationships and interactions. Please feel free to share if you’ve experienced something similar!