Her office was aesthetically pleasing—bright, welcoming, and situated on one of the most picturesque streets in the city where I was residing at that time. In dire need of someone to confide in, I noticed on her website that she offered psychotherapy. That should have been my first indication to tread carefully, but I overlooked it—she was primarily engaged in another field and merely practiced therapy "on the side."

After completing my annual gynecological exam, I intended to request a psychotherapy appointment. As I attempted to gather my thoughts before the examination, she made an unexpected remark: “Okay, that (the examination) is not possible with you at all.”

It seemed I had exceeded her threshold of patience by taking a moment to breathe. I pondered, “How do other women manage this? Do they just jump into it without needing a breather?” Many might not require a moment, yet may feel too shy to ask for one.

When she inquired if I had additional health concerns, I hesitated before saying 'no,' and she appeared intrigued. Yet, she quickly added that she was too busy to accept new clients for therapy. Nonetheless, I still held out hope for a session.

She spoke my native language, and being there already, her impressive website—showcasing international experience and friendly photos—made an impression.

I was not in a position to be selective; my time abroad was not as fulfilling as I had envisioned, and I urgently needed someone to talk to other than my significantly younger roommate.

I didn’t want to acknowledge the warning signs. It took me months to realize how well I had been conditioned to ignore them.

I had previously experienced therapy as a teenager, which had proven beneficial in some aspects, though my adolescent therapist had also behaved in ways that felt questionable—though less frequently and more subtly.

Her young child would occasionally wander into our sessions, she would answer calls or text during our time together, and frequently drew parallels between her life and mine. Whenever I confronted her about something, her replies were consistently dismissive: “Oh, come on, that’s just your negative interpretation. You completely misunderstood that,” or her favorite, “So what? That’s just the way it is.”

You may wonder how this was possible. I was a teenager and depended on her as the only adult I felt I could trust. Despite my discomfort with certain behaviors, she skillfully convinced me otherwise. I believed her because I was young, naive, and placed my trust in her.

Not all of that therapeutic experience was negative; it did benefit me as a teen. However, her blind spots and instances of gaslighting combined to prepare me for the trap of an unprofessional "therapist" years later when I found myself alone in a foreign country in my mid-20s.

Eventually, she agreed to a psychotherapy session, and I returned to her practice a week after my check-up. During our initial meeting, she queried, “So, you come here and want to hear my opinion, even though you couldn’t care less about any of it?!” It might have been flattering if her tone hadn’t been so condescending. This was just one of many degrading remarks to follow.

I appreciated her seemingly straightforward approach, which appeared refreshing at the time. She took notes with an intensity that suggested I was an intriguing case study to her.

“This is highly, highly interesting, what you’re telling me!” she would exclaim repeatedly. I interpreted it as genuine interest and praise. In hindsight, I now view it as a violation of boundaries.

To be fair, she did inform me early on that she had no clear direction in her practice. I simply didn’t grasp its importance at that moment.

“I wanted to let you know I don’t earn money through psychotherapy sessions. I do this because it’s interesting to me!” she stated. Although she charged a decent $60 per session, she deemed that insignificant compared to her main clinical work. I also failed to comprehend her comment about “Because it interests me.” “I also work because I find it interesting…don’t we all?” I thought.

What she should have clarified was: “I am not a licensed psychotherapist. I underwent some training in psychotherapeutic communication to better interact with my patients, but I am primarily focused on another specialty. This is my first (or one of my first) clients, and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.”

I continued attending her sessions for about a year. I had envisioned my year abroad differently and desperately needed someone to confide in. She filled that role, albeit with many questionable remarks.

She suggested that I was probably envious of her because she was blonde, while I was not. She insisted that appearances were “irrelevant” since people appreciated her for who she truly was (despite the conversation not centering around her). She claimed her children never cried after school because they were simply too relaxed. She advised me to “use him and throw him away” regarding a man I was dating, expressing frustration over the ambiguity of our relationship. She used terms like “nutcase” and “lost case” when referring to others.

I repeatedly made excuses for her behavior, convincing myself she didn’t mean it that way or that I misunderstood. This was also her response when I challenged her.

“I didn’t say it like that.” “You just got this wrong.”

After all, she was the esteemed professional with a warm smile and an impressive website boasting years of international experience. I was in a vulnerable position, so she must have been right, right? Wrong.

Our final conversation occurred over Zoom after I returned to my home country. Upon sharing that some of her comments were unacceptable, she turned the blame back on me and ultimately responded, “Okay. I accept that. Bye-bye,” before hanging up.

After that call, I felt immobilized. Eventually, I moved on, but it took time.

Years later, while watching videos about narcissism online, I began to understand what had transpired. It became clear that this person was not the qualified therapist she claimed to be.

I had unwittingly engaged a narcissist who misled me for an entire year. What could be more disturbing than that?

A couple of years later, I pursued training to become a clinical psychologist and sought supervision. I recounted my experiences to my supervisor, working through each disturbing comment she had made.

I am profoundly grateful for my supervisor. He could have been the polar opposite of what one expects from a professional behind closed doors, just as the previous therapist was, and I was apprehensive about that. But he wasn’t.

He had undergone proper training and had years of experience as a psychologist and psychotherapist. He was compassionate, attentive, emotionally intelligent, and perceptive. He established boundaries and created a safe environment where I could open up and receive guidance. He was precisely what I needed: a qualified therapist who facilitated my healing, growth, and evolution.

Writing this narrative is challenging for me to admit.

At that time, I wasn’t yet a fully trained clinical psychologist, but I had completed my master's in psychology. I felt a deep sense of shame that I hadn’t recognized her lack of qualifications or that she was using me as a "practice client."

“I should have known better.” “I should have seen through her immediately, shouldn’t I have?”

These sentiments echo what one hears when discussing abusive relationships. Yet, the reality is that narcissistic abuse can afflict anyone.

We don’t anticipate that successful, charming, and seemingly happy individuals harbor the need to demean others or lack the knowledge and wisdom they profess to possess, especially in a helping profession. Yet, it occurs.

Narcissism does not discriminate based on profession, gender, or nationality.

Watching videos, particularly those by narcissism expert Dr. Ramani, greatly assisted me in reclaiming my power, ceasing self-blame, and emerging stronger.

I wish I could erase this experience, but paradoxically, doing so would also erase the valuable lessons I learned from it:

Knowing the signs and behaviors associated with narcissism. Understanding that a compelling facade does not reflect a person's true character. Learning to trust myself and advocate for my needs. Recognizing the difference between a false sense of safety and genuine support. Knowing to step back and walk away when faced with narcissism disguised as "tough love."

I no longer have contact with either this therapist or my teenage therapist, and I am thankful for the opportunity to open my eyes, step back, and walk away.

Therapy can be incredibly beneficial. That’s why I chose to become a therapist myself! Many exceptional therapists exist, and therapeutic methods have proven effective. However, it is essential for therapists to be knowledgeable, engage in self-reflection, and refrain from imposing their unresolved issues during sessions.

If you take away one lesson from my experience, let it be this: therapy can sometimes be challenging and uncomfortable. Ultimately, it should serve as a healing journey. If your therapist belittles you, insults you, cannot accept criticism, or persistently compares their life to yours, the best course of action is:

Step back, walk away, and seek a better therapist.

How can you identify a good therapist?

Do Your Research: Look for therapists with appropriate credentials and qualifications. Ensure they have relevant experience and training in the areas where you need support.

Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off in your interactions with a therapist, heed those feelings. Don’t hesitate to explore other professionals.

Check Reviews and References: Read reviews and seek references when possible. Hearing from previous clients can provide insights into the therapist’s style and effectiveness.

Ask Questions: Don’t shy away from inquiring about their methods, experience, and therapeutic approach. A reputable therapist will be open and transparent.

Look for Red Flags: Stay alert to therapists who make you feel uncomfortable, dismissed, or belittled. Therapy should be a safe, supportive space.

Seek Recommendations: Reach out to friends, family, or healthcare professionals for recommendations. Personal referrals can be invaluable in finding a trustworthy therapist.

Consider Compatibility: The therapist-client relationship is vital. Ensure you feel at ease and understood by your therapist.

Therapy has the potential to be transformative and healing. By following these steps, you can find a therapist who offers the support and guidance you need on your path to well-being.