Chapter 1: Welcome to Gaia BH1

Greetings, space enthusiasts! Prepare for an extraordinary journey at the Gaia BH1 Event Horizon Cosmic Park, conveniently situated 1,566 light-years from Midtown Manhattan.

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Hello, Horizoneers! As you step out of the wormhole, be sure to steer clear of that other wormhole by the asteroid playground. Venture in there, and you might just find yourself in the company of PSO J334.2028+01.4075! Trust me, it’s not the friendliest galaxy; they have quasars and pulsars popping up like mushrooms after rain. The cosmic rays? They're brutal on your skin.

If this is your first visit — and it definitely is, as we rarely see returning guests — make sure everything is securely fastened. According to our gravimeter at the Information Booth, the gravitational pull toward the black hole is roughly around ?2?3/2??????????.

Let’s stay positive — no more stuffy noses!

With the effects of time dilation, our gravity can lift the prairie oysters right off an Aberdeen Angus! We’re not leading you astray. Apologies for the dad joke; it’s part of the script. We have many visitors from Cleveland.

A quick reminder, Horizoneers: Gaia BH1 Park cannot be held accountable for the instant obliteration of any items that aren’t properly secured. This includes frozen yogurt cones, Stephen Hawking bobbleheads, pants, toddlers, bodily substances, prosthetic limbs, and cosmetic enhancements. Don't forget to check out our gift shop for bungee cords, hot-melt glue guns, and grade 100 alloy chains.

Be sure to verify your tickets! They contain your tour group number and estimated departure time. We’re in a time dilation zone, so let’s all relax. You're on vacation — albeit a lengthy one, but hey, that’s just relative! Generally speaking. Ba-dum-tss. I can’t get enough of that rim shot!

Oh dear! A couple of Daisies from Troop 37 just drifted off to the event horizon! Troop leaders, please ensure your girls’ gear is secure! Granny knots won't hold against a hungry black hole. Ranger Sally will check your equipment and award merit badges to any Scout who avoids being sucked into oblivion.

But hey, embracing the optimistic perspective of Schrödinger’s cat may just outsmart superposition. For those not named Neil deGrasse Tyson, this means we have two openings for the next tour group!

Errr, scratch that; those spots filled back in 2007. These pesky time dilation spikes! I started my shift last October. Maybe I’ll invest my overtime in an asteroid.

Attention, science aficionados! Don’t miss our Neutron-neutron repulsion puppet show at the Schwarzschild radius. This event even qualifies for community college credits!

For those of you with the attention span of a fruit fly, episodes of Big Bang Theory are streaming in the gift shop.

No, not the one where Sheldon clashes with a cheeky lifeguard using his drone and accidentally redirects a comet. It’s the two-parter where Leslie and Leonard argue over string theory versus loop quantum gravity. Truly, it’s the same old story: a battle for love and glory. A case of do-or-die. The world will always embrace lovers, as time passes. But, relatively speaking — Sam left that part out.

Speaking of gravity, purchase a case from the gift shop and send it home to family in Passaic, completely free! We also offer souvenir electrons, though they aren't free of charge. Ba-dum-tss. Still loving those rim shots, right?

Now, back to the topic of gravity — because it’s unavoidable — free shipping is quite the bargain! You can’t imagine how heavy that stuff is.

What to expect inside Gaia? First, please be patient with your Ranger; it’s their inaugural tour! How do we know? It's a one-time gig. No sophomore slumps here, because there are no sophomores.

Also, has anyone mentioned spaghettification when you talked about visiting Gaia? That old myth is dripping with urban legend. Picture this: someone announces they’re heading to a black hole, and you’re thinking of a long weekend at Sea World for the ohnonotagainth time. Naturally, you’d bring up spaghettification!

Sure, you might stretch a bit — more of a linguini effect. Those with sciatica would call it a miracle. They would, except that the cell signal beyond the event horizon is — don’t quote me — non-existent. “Can you hear me now?” A definite no.

Prepare for amazing visual spectacles from gravitational lensing, where light actually bends. Kind of like that time you and Joey ate window panes, but minus the synesthesia.

And here’s the coolest part — for your friends watching from Earth, you’ll remain at that event horizon for eternity. Why? Because the physical signals will redshift. Of course, I have no clue what that means; I majored in Ecogastronomy at Vassar. You try making it as an adjunct professor!

Group 15983, it’s your turn! Please leave your mobile devices, cash, cryptocurrency keys, stock certificates, precious gems, and spare, medically viable organs at the Information Booth before boarding your spacecraft. Gaia BH1 will keep you — engaged — and your valuables will help keep fares low.

Ready for a one-of-a-kind experience?

Thanks to Gary Chapin for his unique editing!

Take a journey towards the stellar black hole Gaia BH1, where cosmic wonders await.

Discover the closest black hole to Earth and learn how you can observe it with just a simple telescope.

Chapter 2: The Cosmic Journey Continues