"Not Everyone Has to Like You"

In South Asian culture, there's a prevalent phrase, “log kya kahenge,” which translates to "what will others think?" Like many children of immigrants, I was raised with high expectations, including the notion that refusing to help others was disrespectful and could lead to gossip.

During a session, I was recounting yet another story when my therapist interjected:

"You don’t seem to enjoy this person or task. Why did you agree to assist?"

As I pondered her question, I hesitated, "Because... I see myself as a helpful person."

She replied, "Could your reluctance to say no stem from a fear that others might not like you?" My silence was telling.

"Not everyone will appreciate you, nor do they need to. Authentic relationships transcend mere favors."

This revelation was both unsettling and necessary.

Action Step:

When approached for a favor, pause and reflect:

"Do I genuinely want to help, or am I just seeking approval?"

Is your connection primarily based on doing favors?

Practice Saying No with a Formula

Next, we tackled the daunting task of saying "No" without feeling overwhelmed.

"We’ll engage in an exercise where I ask you questions, and your job is to decline," she said.

I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. She began with ridiculous scenarios that were easy to reject:

"Can I borrow a million dollars?" No.

"Can you take my exam?" No.

Then she shifted to more challenging requests, and I found myself over-explaining:

"Can you drive me to the airport tonight?"

"I'm really sorry, but I have a huge exam tomorrow that I need to study for. I should have managed my time better..."

Reading those responses must be exhausting. After a few attempts, my therapist paused me again.

"Try this simple structure for saying no: Start with 'I can’t,' then give a general reason. You might add, 'Let me know for next time.'"

We practiced again:

"Can you drive me to the airport tonight?"

"Unfortunately, I can’t because of an exam tomorrow. Let me know earlier for next time."

"Could you attend this event at 9 PM?"

"I have prior commitments, but I hope it goes well!"

As a habitual "yes-sayer," this method felt like a manageable first step, and over time, my anxiety lessened.

Action Step:

Use this template: "No/I can't" + a brief reason + a closing statement.

Keep your initial response to two sentences to avoid over-explaining.

Defining Your Values and Letting Them Guide You

When we overcommit, we often lose control over our own lives. We react to circumstances rather than actively shaping our schedules.

Remember how I mentioned my dread of spending even five minutes alone? That’s precisely what my therapist recommended I do next.

I had unconsciously defined myself through others for far too long. Who was I beyond their perceptions? What truly mattered to me?

"Values are critical guiding principles. Without clarity on your values, you may feel adrift. Take time to reflect, define them, and revisit often."

Brené Brown’s "Dare to Lead" offers a fantastic exercise: choose two core values from a list of over 100. Though you may resonate with many, narrowing it down to two is essential.

Values evolve, and it’s vital to make choices that align with them. Every decision involves trade-offs; when you say no, you simultaneously affirm another choice.

Action Step:

Grab a pen and list your core values.

If unsure, use a guide to help you identify them.

Set a reminder to review your values annually. Have they shifted? If so, revisit the process.